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This Mirror

Submitted by Tylana on Fri, 2015-11-06 11:17

Another 24 hours poured into the cement
Living through another's persons regrets..
Just one piece of a puzzle, too big to comprehend
Cant see the end, left the lights on again
In the past, the future looked too close to hold..
And now the present seems like it's too close and cold
Inside myself looking out; it all seems fake
Whatever motivates, the day puts it away
Used to be apathetic, loved the only one living
I'm speaking to the world, but I'm the only one in it
Your eyes couldn't watch the way the world spins
I'll sit there and watch on the day the world ends
If its burns then, and flows in the wind
I'll hold what I learned and start it over again
Because who knows if your steps are planned out..
I feel lost, and no body's there to stick a hand out;
A man now.. because I felt too strong
And I feel like I lived with my self too long
This isn't the right time or place for these words
We don't have the right kind of space for these birds
If we all could fly, If we all could cry
Everybody would laugh, and we all would die
The sky hangs over my head, I can feel the weight
Conceal my fate, and let me just deal with hate
I lost compassion, everything's cold when its near us
I spend to much time with my soul in this mirror...

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing

Comments

raj

Fri, 2015-11-06 13:46

Pretty reflective. Hope it helped to put it into verse.

Best wishes,

raj (sublime_ocean)

wesley snow

Fri, 2015-11-06 16:50

wesley snow's picture
Volunteer badge

How I missed you I'll never know, but it is tragic, is it not?
I'm probably the most structured poet here, so I'm not the best poet to critique your work... but I will try.
I enjoyed the random rhyme scheme. It helped to keep me in "poem mode". The rhythm was clean and did not sound like prose.
All in all, I liked the poem.
A belated welcome to NeoPoet. I hope you take advantage of the workshop environment. What do you want to do with your poetry for example (if you don't mind my asking)?

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Tylana

Mon, 2015-11-09 12:23

Tylana's picture

I would like to go far into the poetry world.

Åłåńå Fłøręš

author comment

alidzain

Wed, 2015-11-11 09:17

alidzain's picture

Hi there! If you want to learn more about poetry, check the past and current workshops here and read the description of the poetry that was being taught, the poems posted for them as well as the comments and critiques given. My other advice is to have an open mind on themes of your poems. Try for variety.Don't stick to one. To be a good student, you must be willing to listen and practised what have been taught to challenge yourself. That's my humble opinion. I leave it to you to figure out the rest.

Alid

lovedly

Tue, 2016-01-19 18:11

lovedly's picture

but not too far
away

Sparrow

Wed, 2015-11-11 04:33

Sparrow's picture
Volunteer badge

The theme here is mixed and sometimes shouts and then cries in a darkened place.
Your age of thought has gone too fast, give yourself time to see the things that mean everything to life, the dark side is inevitable it is always that a night will follow the day, but enjoy the night as well.
In this world today technology has escalated into a place that few can be comfortable with.
I am old as things go, and there you are with a great life stretching out before you, mind you, I don't envy you, as it is harder these days to find a place for the individual.
When a child I could walk in the woods without fear and most days stretched ahead with a gentle glow of searching, but now I can pick up a piece of electronic gizmo, and there in a flash is the world rolling like a steam roller out of control.
You young ones need a focal point to guide you into this morass of muddled ways, what can I say to you, there inside you is a light that will help make of it what you will, it is a soul that glows there fed by whatever God or figurehead you choose, it can only be changed by your input, I wish you the wisdom of the years, and the thoughtfulness of a thousand philosophers to guide you.
I have some place a few of the old workshops on a web site I have at:- yenti.co.uk please feel free to read there as you wish.
Yours as always Ian xx

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

alidzain

Wed, 2015-11-11 09:36

alidzain's picture

listen

There was once a boy with a wild beating heart.
His doctors say ''he is doomed right from the start.''
They said he won't live to eighteen years of life
but that boy won't give up and he always strife
and miracle unfolds and he's now thirty-eight.
I know this tale is true because I'm him, mate
This life is full of light and darkness
Its a nest of tears and laughters.
Let me take your hand and walk with you
out of the shadows that engulfs you
or should I show you the diamonds in the sky
when the moon rises and the sun say goodbye
to reveal to you the beauty of the night
when the darkness is still blessed with light.

Alid

Esker

Tue, 2016-01-19 11:23

Esker's picture

some great lines in this!
and I like the rap flow feel to the full sentences
written out...
u do write poetically very well
like how u used the weight of the sky
agoraphobia
is a common fear
with anxiety and depression
the use of soul in the mirror
our only reflection we trust or not trust
if we dont really have a base of
others to sustain us
out there
society is changing
in how we act...
the good people will be there
but the jealousy and haters
will be there too

I just survive
my corner to crawl into is the open
corner...I learn more..this is me
its insane to do that
taking it all on
"pokers in the fires" my friend
says too me
and its very taxing
i take my meds
try to get some sleep
been doing this all my life
since a kid to a teen then
a young man...but I like
the poetry...
I just keep writing
helps me focus better

your poem feels very organized
and together
and its message came through
well
I feel ur a good writer

thank U

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