Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

DIDN'T THEY TELL YOU?

Submitted by Psyve on Sat, 2011-01-15 15:28

.
.
DIDN'T THEY TELL YOU?

Ain't it funny how you sold your soul
For a paltry bit of miser's gold?
Your eyes have died, your face is made of wood...
Didn't they tell you now of Judas?
Didn't they tell you how he would as
Soon have paid back twice the sum... if he but could?

Didn't they tell you what would happen
To a ship without its Cap'n?
To a man who goes through life without a friend?
Didn't you know you should not do it-
Didn't you know that you would rue it-
Didn't you know you'd have to pay up in the end?

Didn't they tell you you wouldn't make it?
Didn't they tell you you couldn't take it?
Now you know you're slowly going around the bend-
And, like a lamb that goes to slaughter,
Like a fish that's out of water,
You know now that you have really reached the end?
.
.
If you'd like to hear the SUNG version, please click on the link below:
http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=7507352
.
.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing

Comments

lou

Sun, 2011-01-16 00:20

lou's picture

The only thing I would change about this song is the second half of line 3 in the first verse. I would remove it. Apart from that it is a decent song.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Psyve

Mon, 2011-01-17 11:30

Psyve's picture

Thank you for stopping by to comment.
Not sure why that particular line didnt work for you.
I feel it works for the sentiment I was trying to acheive....
And in the SUNG version, I felt it flows ok.

That said, I am interested in your point of view, and would be pleased to know why you felt "...your face is made of wood" needed deletion from the poem...

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

Psyve

author comment

Eduardo Cruz

Sun, 2011-01-16 01:44

Eduardo Cruz's picture

how easily one can lose there soul for so very little that at the time seems like a lot if we would only open our eyes.
this line look it over;
verse 1 line 2
"Didn't (the) tell you how he would as"
great job very good song needs something else, but I don't know what just a feeling I can't seem to tell you.
Writing songs is not my thing, listening is though.
E.C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Psyve

Mon, 2011-01-17 11:32

Psyve's picture

Thank you for your reading and for your comment.
Thank you also for pointing out the typo: I have now corrected it.
Cheers

Psyve

author comment

Psyve

Mon, 2011-01-17 11:36

Psyve's picture

This song was perhaps more about all the things people say to you... some just to pull you down... some of it malicious... but some of it true, if only one would stop to think about it....

Thanks for stopping by to read and comment.

Psyve

author comment

Psyve

Mon, 2011-01-17 11:41

Psyve's picture

Thank you for your very kind comment.
You say you are a singer / teacher... Do you teach music to children or grown ups ? is that singing or an instrument?

Also as a singer, do you have any recordings you would like to share with others / me? I would be very pleased to HEAR some of the otrhers on this site... I miss the spoken word format we had here, before the metaphorical flood.

Would be interested to hear your thoughts on any of my other music if you ever do get down to listening to the other songs there...

Thanks again for taking the time to share your thoughts,

Psyve

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.