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Bearer Of Secrets (Exploration WS haiku)
Hidden compartments
filled the president's table,
with secrets untold.
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
singapore
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Comments
Pugilist
Sun, 2015-05-24 12:03
I like this
I have always enjoyed the conciseness of Haiku. There are a lot of takes on Haiku and a lot of rules around the form above and beyond the syllable count but as many rules as there are, there are just as many exceptions.
That said, line 2 is not as strong as it could be, particularly the entry. Overall though, I like this.
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Jonathan Moore
alidzain
Sun, 2015-05-24 13:54
Jon
Thank you for the feedback. er... any suggestions for further improvement?
Alid
author commentPugilist
Sun, 2015-05-24 14:15
Line 2
"in the president's table,"
The beginning of this line is passive. Try an opening with more direction.
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Jonathan Moore
alidzain
Sun, 2015-05-24 15:16
Jon
what do you think about the edit?
Alid
author commentPugilist
Sun, 2015-05-24 16:12
I thought the original line had better potential
"in the president's table," had a weak intro, but it was not a weak line.
Hidden compartments
in the president's table,
sealed secrets untold.
Try reworking the second line but keeping the reference to the president's table. I like the founded in reality message. If felt more genuine.
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Jonathan Moore
alidzain
Sun, 2015-05-24 16:47
Jon
how about now?
Alid
author commentPugilist
Mon, 2015-05-25 00:07
This is better
it's definitely less passive.
Let it sit for a day or two and see what you think when it is not so fresh in your mind.
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Jonathan Moore
wesley snow
Sun, 2015-05-24 19:19
I loved the subject use,
but since I know nothing of haiku I cannot adequately critique.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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alidzain
Mon, 2015-05-25 12:40
Wes
thanks for the comment.
Alid
author commentweirdelf
Thu, 2015-06-11 17:53
Ever heard of Checkov's Gun?
If you introduce an object, use it.
Hidden compartments
filled the president's table,
a tape to his head.
(I am thinking of Watergate)
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
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alidzain
Thu, 2015-06-11 17:59
Jess
mmmm.. thanks for the comment.
Alid
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