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BIRTH OF THE UNCREATED

Let's go beyond
the immediate
and listen to the
inexpressible profundity
that underlies
what is known
and seen

unknowable
un-seeable
indefinable
the silence beyond
words
the unity beyond
divisiveness

Take a walk
to the edge of finitude
step off
and try to fathom
what lies beyond

Let's shatter our
world
and create a new one
because that's perhaps
where our destiny lies

Editing stage: 

Comments

I see you have already edited the typos – that was the majority of my crit lol
can I say that I think you could think of a better title
suggestion .... to find Home?

just imo, I think the quote spoils the write – I don’t think it is needed
apart from these minor things, I really like this write, and am particularly fond of the last stanza...

a couple of suggestions I would like to make
first stanza
put ‘inexpressible’ and ‘profundity’ on the same line – I think it reads better, less jerky
Let's go beyond
the immediate
and listen to the
inexpressible profundity
that underlies
what is known
and seen

as you have used the idea of going beyond the known and see-able in the first stanza, I would cut the second a little to avoid repeating words that are unnecessary
eg
the unknowable
unseeable
indefinable
the silence beyond words
the unity beyond divisiveness

and there are a lot of ‘let’s ‘ – perhaps the second one in stanza 3 could be dropped
Let's take a walk
to the edge of finitude
and step off
try to fathom
what lies beyond

i really like this
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thanks for your valuable inputs. I myself didn't like the title but could think of nothing better. "Inexpressible profundity" was actually supposted to be written that way but it slipped me. I have incorporated the changes you have suggested. It's always better to have a third eye look at your work because sometimes, one gets so involved with the writing that many little flaws go unoticed.
I would like you to read it once again and give me your feed back.

Once again, thanks very much for the visit, the read and your comments.

Very warm regards ... Leonard

Leonard Daranjo

"When the waiting stops, the living begins"

author comment

great edit .... it reads really smoothly and rationally

A better title perhaps, but I still think it could be even better .... ?seeking potential... ?seeking the unimaginable... maybe, even, seeking the uncreated... 'birth of' doesn't fit my reading.... (just me probably)

lol -I hate having to find titles for my work - I find discovering an effective one oft-times takes more effort than writing the actual poem

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Usually I don't have problems with titles but this one is particularly troublesome.

Thanks once again for your very valuable suggestions.

Very warm regards ... Leonard

Leonard Daranjo

"When the waiting stops, the living begins"

author comment
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