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To Be An Angel of Hope (A Quartern)
I wish I had a pair of wings
to soar across the sky, so blue
to save the weak from endless wars
and make their dream for peace come true
I've heard the news of starving men
I wish I had a pair of wings
to offer food and drinks to them
and end the tears that hunger brings
Dear God, I see the young in pain
betrayed and used, denied of rights!
I wish I had a pair of wings
to free their hearts and bring delights.
I know my wish is just a dream.
Alone, I can't do many things
but Lord, I long for hope to stay
I wish I had a pair of wings
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
raj
Mon, 2015-04-06 12:35
Good one Alid Regards,
Good one Alid
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
wesley snow
Mon, 2015-04-06 18:02
I'll make a "criticism" first, then tell you why I liked it.
The refrain says "I wish I have a pair..." You are grammatically correct, you are in the present tense, but the common way of putting it is in the past tense. "I wish I had a pair..."
Just a suggestion.
The thing I liked best was the clarity. You did not sacrifice clarity for high language.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
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Sparrow
Mon, 2015-04-06 18:26
Alid
I think I sent the changes in typos to you, the one Wesley says about have and putting had puts that part in correct context, I think I mentioned abut the too many ands in the odd Stanza all are easily sorted to make this a very good write.
Take care Yours, Ian
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
alidzain
Tue, 2015-04-07 02:55
Ian
the trouble is I see the one you mention on syllable counts and then I'm not sure how to do the others. Hmmm. I'll take another look at the PM again.
Alid
weirdelf
Wed, 2015-04-08 19:23
Syllable counts don't count,
except in Japanese forms and some experimental Western forms. Meter counts.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
wesley snow
Wed, 2015-04-08 21:52
Syllable counts don't count.
Jess is right. Learn to use the "language" of poets. Syllable counts are for baby poets. You are no baby Alid.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
alidzain
Wed, 2015-04-08 22:11
okay
got ya.
Alid
alidzain
Tue, 2015-04-07 02:59
Okay, Ian
did I get it right ths time?
Alid
Sparrow
Tue, 2015-04-07 03:22
Alid
I will leave the rest up to you now just that Have /Had thing in your main line,
I wish I have or
I wish I had ,
That is the question lol.
Take care, Yours Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
wesley snow
Mon, 2015-04-06 19:19
I disagree with Ian about the "ands".
Each stanza uses two exactly (save the last stanza). The "ands" give an odd balance between the stanza.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
Sparrow
Tue, 2015-04-07 04:21
Alid
Love it, now it reads well and the theme is good so you have a great piece there.
One tiny typo S1 L4 comes true, the s needs to be dropped off of the come, as it makes the context incorrect lol.
Take care out there and hope you are coping with the changes in your life, Yours Ian
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
alidzain
Tue, 2015-04-07 04:51
I see
I thought one dream so must put the "s" in "come". Thanks for pointing it out.
Alid
judyanne
Tue, 2015-04-07 08:25
very lovely Alid
I like this very much
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
alidzain
Tue, 2015-04-07 14:32
Thanks, Judy
for the visit and comments.
Alid
mand
Tue, 2015-04-07 12:17
Beautiful Alid
An honest, heartfelt poem - one that I think many would relate to and appreciate. :)
Thank you for sharing your talent
Love to you
Mand xxx
alidzain
Tue, 2015-04-07 14:33
Thanks, Mand
for the visit and the comments.
Alid
weirdelf
Wed, 2015-04-08 19:25
Superb use of the Quatrain form,
they usually sound contrived.
Enjoyed the content too.
Well done.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
alidzain
Wed, 2015-04-08 21:26
Thank you,Jess
Glad you enjoyed it.
Alid