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maids beware

I’d girlish thoughts a knight in shining armour
arriving on a steed of strength and speed
would lift me up on his enchanted charger
be tender of a woman’s growing need

to take me from my tiny single bed
and make my life a sentimental song
with promises of love he’d fill my head
and blindly I would follow right along

but years and age have cooled my youthful ardour
I realise he never did exist
the one who came was dressed all white with splendour
disguised to fool, and turn ideals to mist

so, maids, be wary, curb your wishes, dreams
beware of villains plotting wicked schemes
.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Good read, perhaps you may be re-working on third quatrain. I said may be, it's just a guess and no more

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

if you're talking about verses 2 and 4, they are what are called feminine lines - allowable in the looser form of the sonnet - Shakespeare used them frequently. they have an extra unstressed syllable at the end... I like them, and use them frequently. I find they can make the reader pause at a place I want them too. lol - Wes doesn't like them - they don't make a 'pure' sonnet in his eyes

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Thanks for the elaboration. I knew there must be some reason which is why I had said "may be"

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Raj is right, the third verse needs work, but not much and the whole thing is just wonderful (of course you had me at sonnet).

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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lol - I'll tell you what you told me ... loosen up :}
I've used feminine lines in stanza 1 as well....

unless there is something I'm missing here re stanza 3, apart from the extra syllables?

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Brilliant poem - nothing unusual there! :) Brilliantly executed, true to life and different.

Love Mand xxxxxx

thank you so very much for the kind words
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment
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