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Colors
The horizon had a violet hue,
Turquoise waves lapped far and few...
Perched on rocks black and askew,
Amongst the couples he felt so blue...
A crimson sunset was the view,
Wet yellow sand stuck to him like glue...
Returning tanned was a fishing crew,
Followed by white chaos that flew...
Shades of gray made their nets look grim,
But the silver shone as they swam aground...
Hung on a chain with green seaweed trim,
A rusty anchor groaned as it slowly drowned...
Paints-brush-pallete equipped to the brim,
Yet he couldn't concoct such colors profound...
Twas dusk when it dawned on him,
He wasn't the only painter around...
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Barbara Writes
Wed, 2014-12-10 22:04
The raw truth is it's really
The raw truth is it's really good poetry writing. The rhyme is good aa in the first half and abab in the second half. Welcome to Neopoet. Looking to read more from you.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
Ian.T
Thu, 2014-12-11 04:37
Elim
Firstly a great welcome to Neopoet site and I hopr that you will learn as we all do for a better production of our individual poetry, also the tests of writing as others do.
We hold many workshops here and they are great fun and of course with that extra of a learning theme.
I liked this write though a little patchy in places, the last two lines, as you have established that it is sunset then the dusk needs attention.
'Twas dusk when it dawned on him.
Something like:-
Twas later, when it dawned on him.
He wasn't the only painter around,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
eliminist
Sun, 2015-03-08 19:49
Wow, I feel like a doofus now
Wow, I feel like a doofus now :)
That actually makes a lot of sense...
Thanks and I sincerely appreciate the feedback Ian - cheers...
author commentBarbara Writes
Mon, 2015-03-09 23:37
Elim
Came back here and it's still a awesome poem. I agree Ian suggestion really spiced it up with his seasoned critique. I'm not use to reading poetry written in couplets. Nicely rhymed
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community