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THE SOLITARY TRAVELLER

Submitted by Leonard on Wed, 2015-02-25 02:24

The storm began
back in my childhood
I was naive and clueless

The storm picked up momentum
the clouds got darker
the rain came down
in sheets

I traveled blindly
through it all
I could bear it no
longer

I picked up a shovel
and started shoveling
earth
into a bottomless
pit

The weather subsided
Very slowly
the cyclonic eye took birth

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Rula

Tue, 2015-03-03 01:01

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why hasn't this gain much attention and no comments.
It caught my breath with its quick pace. I expected the death of the traveller, being alone in such a weather, but that last line left me a bit in puzzlement, and though I can't clearly interupt it, I still like it.
brevity in its best,I believe.
Thanks for sharing Leo.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Leonard

Wed, 2015-03-04 04:58

Leonard's picture

I am really glad you liked it. Actually, I have tried to share a very personal experience that is quite difficult to bring into the realm of verbal expression. It means a great deal that it caught and sustained your attention

Thank you once again.

Warm regards

Leonard

Leonard Daranjo

"When the waiting stops, the living begins"

author comment

judyanne

Wed, 2015-03-04 06:34

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well written..I really like it, even though I don't know what you are saying - because it still really says something to me -- the storm did not abate, until the narrator started to do something about it
the cyclonic eye appearing though - does this mean we are only halfway throught the troubles...?
well written Leonard, it captured my attention...

a couple of suggestions
I don’t think you need the ‘way’ at the beginning of the second line, nor the ‘and the’ in ‘and the rain came down in sheets’

Also, I would break this into shorter stanzas – they make the readers pause and this makes them time to think about what has been read. I suggest breaks at ‘the storm picked up momentum’ and I picked up a shovel’ and ‘the weather subsided’ ..... all in my opinion mind.

a good read, thank you
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Leonard

Thu, 2015-03-05 00:59

Leonard's picture

Thanks for the suggestions. I have incorporated the changes. Later, I will revise the rhythm.

Actually, this piece is very personal and hence the intrigue. The weather is a metaphor for the turbulance in once mind which quietens down when one changes his/her perception. The only way - at least in my humble opinion - one can change is way of thinking is by a change in perception.

Thanks, once again for the discerning read and the suggestions.

Love

Leonard

Leonard Daranjo

"When the waiting stops, the living begins"

author comment

judyanne

Thu, 2015-03-05 02:14

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but there was no need to explain your write. I think anyone reading it would understand that it is a metaphor for some sort of tribulation - mental or physical.

What I meant when I said that I didn't understand what you were saying, was that I didn't know the particular problems you were speaking of - it is your own personal, but the reader is easily able to relate this to their own troubles

- one reason I like it, and a great poetic reason...
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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