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Flirting with Ms. Sonnet
she looked so charming that I got deceived
she caught my eye with her pretty silk gown
I chased her around every street in town
i wished my good intent be well received
my flirting with her kept on getting strong
I tried to match her longish leggy stride
my legs were hurting bad the more I tried
is she good enough or did I get it wrong?
in time i found her home as too her name
"Miss Sonnet" which I never heard before
a posh limousine made me nod my head
she must be rich my hanky dory dame
with heart in mouth I knocked her oaken door
she struck a sucker punch to drop me dead
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
I have been struggling with the Sonnet Form of poetry but in vain.Throughout these travails, both Rula & Judyanne have been a great help and a source of encouragement to keep trying. This attempt "title" as well as the "end line" are enough to indicate what happened when i kept flirting with this form. lol..most sportingly i accept my limitations with this form.
Editing stage:
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Comments
judyanne
Sun, 2015-03-01 07:40
clapping - you're nearly there
she LOOKED | so CHARM | -ing that | i GOT | de -CEIVED
she CAUGHT | my EYE | with her | PRE -tty | SILK GOWN
i CHASED | her a | -ROUND | EV | ery STREET | in TOWN
i WISHED | my GOOD | in - TENT | be WELL | re -CEIVED
my FLIRT | ing WITH | her KEPT | on GET | -ing STRONG
i TRIED | to MATCH | her LONG | -ish LEGG | -y STRIDE
my LEGS | were HURT | -ing BAD | the MORE | i TRIED
is she | GOOD e | -NOUGH or | DID i | GET it | WRONG
in TIME | i FOUND | her HOME | as TOO | her NAME
MISS SONN | -et WHICH | i NEV | -er HEARD | be -FORE
a POSH | LIM – ou | SINE MADE | me NOD | my HEAD
she MUST | be RICH | my HANK | -y DO | -ry DAME
with HEART | in MOUTH | i KNOCKED | her OAK | -en DOOR
she STRUCK | a SUCK| -er PUNCH | to DROP | me DEAD
great rhyme
and I love the volta - lol, some resolution
doing well Raj, not that much to work on - and don't worry about the 'silk gown'- you can get away with a foot of spondee, especially at the end of a verse. Even the masters cheated sometimes
see... I told you you'd get it
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Sun, 2015-03-01 07:55
So Raj
I heard some gossips going around about the lady that you are chasing, now I got it.((( grins))).
Now you're found not guilty.
Certainly you haven't blown judy's efforts to the wind. And with your sense of humor, you are producing some contemporary entertaining sonnets. Be proud Man!
Thank you for sharing.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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raj
Sun, 2015-03-01 08:01
Rula & Judyanne
so nice of you to drop in and cheer me on...are you two suggesting that i keep flirting with Ms. Sonnet? I wont mind iof Ms. Sonnet is ultimately going to smile and give me a date..lol..for now I am still recovering from the sucker punch she delivered...:)
raj (sublime_ocean)
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