Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

My Jem

Submitted by judyanne on Fri, 2015-02-20 09:11

as time so slyly creeps and fumbles past
the empty chair, now you're no longer here
I fear I might forget your face’s cast
without a token icon of you near

forget those eyes of grey reflecting love
the auburn locks that sparkled in the sun
the irrepressible blithe spirit of
a gift of joyous wonderment and fun

but then I close my eyes and you are there
as large as life, a portrait in my mind
and something deep inside becomes aware
I understand, I'd see if stricken blind

for even though we're now so far apart
the echo of you lives within my heart
.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Rula

Fri, 2015-02-20 10:40

Rula's picture
Volunteer badge

sonnet dear judy.
Have you abandoned capitalization altogether for a purpose?

PS. I understand that "Jem" is intentional for your Jeremy, but others might miss the whole thing.
How about "My Gem?" It holds a beautiful meaning for a beautiful person.
What do you think?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

judyanne

Fri, 2015-02-20 12:18

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

Have you not noticed that I rarely use punctuation?
I usually only use it when telling a narrative...

As for the 'jem' rather than 'gem'
Well, that's for me, my message, and for others to contemplate whether it is a typo or mispel.... lol - maybe a thesis may one day be written about what I meant (wouldn't that be lovely - for my poem to be studied and deconstructed) ....just as I once had a very stimulating discussion in a tutorial at uni about the use by a poet of the word 'arc' rather than arch...

I have also edited a poem I wrote a while ago -the star- (I'm going through my writes (slowly lol as to not clog the stream) and doing edits on the ones that annoy me, and I have used 'jem' rather than 'gem' there too

Thanks for the read and your thoughts... always very much appreciated
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Rula

Sat, 2015-02-21 13:21

Rula's picture
Volunteer badge

I always wanted to ask about it.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

raj

Fri, 2015-02-20 12:48

What a gem of a poem this is. There is rhythm of your heart beats felt in every verse. I would disagree with Rula here about whether it should be Jem or Gem.. This is because even without a title the relationship becomes pretty clear between the protagonist and who it is all about.

Some of the lines are so beautifully vivid, such as,

but then I close my eyes and you are there
as large as life, a portrait in my mind

for even though we're now so far apart
the echo of you lives within my heart

I don't know if it was a deliberate intent to prefix Jem with My....but to me it felt as though it meant "mine and mine alone"...

Warm regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

judyanne

Sat, 2015-02-21 01:47

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

For the very supportive comments
and yes, it was a purposeful thing - that prefix :)
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

raj

Sat, 2015-02-21 12:10

good to know that my guess about the prefixed "My" was spot on....confirms that you are a very possessive woman :)

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

judyanne

Sat, 2015-02-21 12:27

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

I am not a possessive woman...
But I claim my sons as mine...
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

raj

Sat, 2015-02-21 13:12

"claiming my sons as mine" is synonymous of being a possessive mom unless my understanding of english is horribly wrong :)

raj (sublime_ocean)

judyanne

Sun, 2015-02-22 05:34

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

has connotations of selfishness

the 'my' simply implies that I am talking about MY Jem - not the man with the same name over there....
it also implies a pride in the person I call mine, but not possessiveness
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

raj

Sun, 2015-02-22 05:38

my comment was not meant to question your prowess with english language..it was just in mild humor...if in doing so i have stepped inadvertently on the toes...my sincere apologies..

Regards...

raj (sublime_ocean)

judyanne

Sun, 2015-02-22 05:46

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

no toes have been stepped on
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Roscoe Lane

Sat, 2015-02-21 01:36

Roscoe Lane's picture

Excellent, especially the rhythm and pace. Love Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

judyanne

Sat, 2015-02-21 12:28

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

Thank you very much for the read and supportive comment
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Sparrow

Sun, 2015-02-22 19:04

Sparrow's picture
Volunteer badge

I think that this is one of the most beaut Sonnets I have read in many years.
That you have incorporated another realm and made it so true, always remember those that have gone before will wait for you,
Yours Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

judyanne

Sun, 2015-02-22 20:48

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

For the very kind review
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.