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Elizabethan Sonnet Workshop
When tears have filled and dried the bluest eyes
and warnings cast a shadow made of stone
no sun nor moon can peel away disguise
that leaves me standing in this crowd alone.
Whose hands are these which dare to cross that line,
you know the line, between the pure and slaves
where man is boy and boy does long for fine
as memories become the blackened caves?
I'd hide behind that line if lines were real
to hold my shame in palest winter's haze
so I would not remember how to feel
and never have to live those hollow days
while spending nights to plot a hero's crime
awaiting time to kill the parent mime.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
Rula
Wed, 2015-02-18 14:47
Hello Scott and well done!!
I am happy you could finally come up with this sonnet. This means hopefully you've overcome your health problems?
To the poem, as most of your writing this goes dark in most of its part. (Not a bad thing though)
The volta is clear as well as the closing couplet. So I'd say you have succeeded in the most dfficult parts with however some metrical problems.
I have provided some suggestions. Please feel free to take or leave.
no SUN |nor MOON| can PEEL| aWAY| the dis|GUISE.... (foot 5 needs a rework and half a foot is more.
(may be)...no SUN | no MOON | aWAY |can peel, |disguise
that LEAVES| me STAND|ing in |THIS CROWD| aLONE | (feet No. 3 and 4)
i'm LEFT| here STAND | |ing STUND | in CROWD | aLONE
where MAN| beCOMES |a BOY| and BOY |LONGS for| FINE (foot no. 5 and half a foot is more) (I couldn't interpret what you wanted to say here? and what do you mean by longs for fine?
so I |would NE|ver re|CALL how |to FEEL| (foot no. 3 and 4)
so I |would NE | ver RE | memBER |to Feel.
Hope this helps ... Looking forward to see your polished version ...WELL DONE!!
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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eightmenout
Fri, 2015-02-20 10:31
Dearest Rula
As always, thank you for your efforts in helping me become a better poet. You may never know how much it means to me.
Please see edits and let me know what you think.
Scott
judyanne
Thu, 2015-02-19 13:26
great write Scott
my interpretation :)
no SUN | nor MOON | can PEEL | a -WAY | the dis -GUISE
Rula’s suggestion has too much reverse syntax. I feel
maybe
no SUN | nor MOON | can JETT | -i SON dis -GUISE
I have no problem with
that LEAVES | me STAND | -ing IN | this CROWD | a -LONE
and
you KNOW | the LINE | be -TWEEN | VIRG -ins | and SLAVES
maybe
you KNOW | the LINE | be -TWEEN | the CHASTE | and SLAVES
where MAN | be -COMES | a BOY | and BOY | LONGS for | FINE
perhaps
where MAN | be -COMES | a BOY | who LONGS | for FINE
(although I think this verse needs different wording to more clarify what you are saying)
so i | would NEV | -er re | -CALL | how to | FEEL
try?
to NOT | re – MEM | -ber EV | -er HOW | to FEEL
(I disagree with Rula’s parsing of re-MEM-ber)
well done
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
eightmenout
Fri, 2015-02-20 10:33
Judy
Thank you for the compliment and your in depth comments. You are making me a better poet and I truly appreciate that. Please see edits. Look forward to your comments.
Scott
raj
Thu, 2015-02-19 13:34
Scott
you have said "feel free to knock me on my back" ..that's exxactly what both Rula & Judynne have done...lol..
humor apart...as you surely know..they both men well and you will use their suggestions which will only improve an already fine sonnet i liked truly..
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
eightmenout
Fri, 2015-02-20 10:34
Raj
I am glad you enjoyed the poem. Thank you for the compliment. Please let me know what you think of the edits.
Scott
Rula
Thu, 2015-02-19 13:40
Yes,
it should be re-MEM-ber....my fault, sorry.
and the reversed syntax perhaps because I wanted to keep his same words.
Of course as it is his writing, he can come up with much better alternatives than mine.
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wesley snow
Thu, 2015-02-19 17:49
You don't need my efforts.
I agree with most of the metrical complaints and that's the purpose of this workshop. Writing a truly authentic and classical piece.
However, it is still a poem and an extraordinary one. The language is a bit more, shall we say, "authoritative". You (the poet) and only you get the point.
A welcome change. This is bold.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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eightmenout
Fri, 2015-02-20 10:35
Sir Wesley
Thank you for the compliment. Oh, but how I long for the days when you would kick my ass. I have learned so much from you. Let me know what you think of the edits.
Scott
judyanne
Fri, 2015-02-20 10:37
great edit
Just one line imo is still off slightly
so i | would NOT | rem-EMB | -er HOW | to FEEL
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Fri, 2015-02-20 10:54
Bravo Scott!
just me
may be you need a comma in
no sun nor moon can peel away [,] disguise
and here is a suggestion for the line that judy pointed out, if you like
so I| would NE|ver CALL |back HOW | to FEEL
Again, many thanks for your participation. I appreciate it highly.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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judyanne
Fri, 2015-02-20 11:00
i think
The problem is the first iamb Rula, 'so i' not 'would not remember'
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
eightmenout
Fri, 2015-02-20 11:21
Thank you both for the
Thank you both for the suggestions. But, at this point, I think I am going to exercise poetic license and leave it as is. Thoughts?
Scott
judyanne
Fri, 2015-02-20 11:33
it's a small thing Scott
There can be a small stress on the 'I'
It is weak ... but not even the masters always wrote perfect iambic - they too, would sacrifice small stresses for better grammar and syntax
But I gave you 'to not remember, ever, how to feel'
Even if you don't like that particularly , can you not work around that someway?
However , it is your write, and if you are happy with what you have, then that is the important thing
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Fri, 2015-02-20 12:04
I would
overlook the "so i would.... it HAS at least a weak stress.
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wesley snow
Fri, 2015-02-20 17:09
You don't need me picking out lines.
You've been analyzed as I wish they would analyze me.
It is the language that moves me. Elegant and intense.
You'll be flogged for the metric mistakes, but it's a small price for producing such a wonderful piece.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
eightmenout
Sat, 2015-02-21 21:58
Thank you sir
Not only for the high compliments but for setting high standards for me to aspire too
Scott
emogothgirl
Sun, 2015-02-22 21:55
i quite enjoyed wesley's comment
i only want to see what else you can do with that third line. in the third line of the first stanza, it's obvious what you're trying to say, but i feel like there's a better way to put it while staying within your rhythm. Overall it looks pretty tight, I see I'm a bit late to get into you for your meter :P I like it.
Mag
eightmenout
Sun, 2015-02-22 22:11
Hey Mag
You're never too late to tear into me.
I will see if I have any changes in store for l3 s1
Thanks
Scott