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The Change

They want you transformed
in the twinkle of an eye.
They know no other task,
it is for your own good.
You are on the way, however
still tarry searching for the coins
others drop along the path
seeking to return some day.

Now, everybody is lost
and left to remember the future
as much as they want.
Knowing, however, no other trick
to heal, most of us resort
to remember to forget to remember.
Oh, the ocean of forgetfulness
we have filled with tears!
This way we'll never know how happy
we were before we left home!

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I notice that you have been a member for over two years, I hope that you become more active as we need many views on our poetry, it enhances the works.
Your poem is quiet as if whispered, the use of everybody sounds like a body count it to me is better to use everyone..
Hope to read more of your works,
Yours Ian.T

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Your comments are helpful and I will consider them for my next poems. Yes, I've been a member of Neopoet for a long time. Unfortunately, all my work was lost when the website crashed a couple of years ago. I see you all have improved the place.

author comment

Pleas for your own protection and that of your work, copy and save to your home page each time and then copy ad paste to Neopoet stream, then if anything should happen you have your own work there.
I am one of those that even had a hard copy of my work, and many other places they are put also extra drives to my comp where all can be stored.
Your works are valuable and are part of you to be treasured should anything happen to you..
Yours, Ian.T

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

after my own heart -
'This way we'll never know how happy
we were before we left home.'
(Would 'home' work with a capital 'H')

A few little glitches ( imo I stress)
As you have used the word 'remember' twice (very effectively I might add) in the sixth line of stanza two, do you think it might work better if you used, perhaps, 'recall' in line two of that stanza?

I also found your lines a little staccato - thoughts are disjointed to me because of the way you have broken the lines

For example
'still tarry
searching for the coins others drop
along the path'
... reads smoother to me
or even better...
'still tarry
searching along the path
for the coins others drop'

As does
'Knowing, however
no other trick to heal
most of us resort
to remember to forget to remember'

and also those last two lines (that I love)
'This way
we'll never know how happy we were
before we left home'

I would also suggest you make line breaks after
'It is for your own good'
and 'to remember to forget to remember'
- to make the reader pause between thoughts

And I would drop the line 'as much as they want' - I really think it is superfluous

I again stress, all this is only my opinion

good to see you finally post
And a good post at that
Welcome
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I have not written in a long time. I hope my next poems improve with practice and comments like yours. I'm grateful for your generous words, I'll have them in consideration next time.

author comment
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