Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Shhhhhhh....

Secrets can't be shared
No one can ever tell them
With suspicions they are paired
Slips of paper in the Golem

Raise the dead, you might regret it
Feet of clay can turn to dust
There will be a final debit
And pay for it you must

But man is man, and he must know
What he can and cannot do
Though the wind begins to blow
He adds the two and two

Plans must work, but often fail
Sometimes, they just don't work out
But the thought, it will prevail
In his ravaged mind, it shouts

Ideas for conspiracy, do shape inside his head
Man's thirst for knowledge, looms large ever
And so with a certain sort of dread
He stains his soul forever

Life is not above reminding you
Don't forget that you will pay
So remember it, please do
That's the only secret I can say

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
I had a dream, that secret thoughts sometimes take on a life of their own, like the thoughts written on pieces of paper, and put into the mouth of a Golem, they become alive. Too much spicey food last night, I guess.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I can't tell for it is a secret....
A very apt title - just flowed into the poem with under-explaining or over-elaborating nor going off on random tangents.

As for the rhythm and pacing it is rather irregular, especially with the 5th stanza where bits of it came to a syncopated stacato, almost. But that could work to the poems advantage given its theme and tone... blame it on the Golem. That movie terrified me... couldn't sleep well for weeks. I guess you are not meant to show such to a primary school kid... see, they didn't have ratings back then. And even if we do now, most parents don't supervise viewing... do we even know how to? The telly is a nanny and buys us more time... it seems... There I go off tangent. But I do hope that in my bungling attempt to answer the questions put forth on the poem you would have found something useful... Maybe a resolve to have a bit more spicey food... Cheers! CB

__________________________________________________
'Break, break break on thy cold grey stones, O Sea.'

resolve to eat more spicey foods before going to bed. I am going to play with this one a little more, and I am waiting to get a few more comments, before doing any edit. Thanks for the read, and I was scared by that movie too! Thanks, ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

Perhaps the power of thoughts is underrated as it is thoughts that lead to actions. I have some ideas you may consider :
l-6 change become to turn to
l-7 change is to will be
l-12 change adds to totals up (for flow and alliteration)
l-16 try in his mind with a persistent shout ( helps rhyme and avoids later repeat of head)
l- tell scribbler to leave your poem alone..........................stan

for advice, if you are not going to listen to it? I may not use any or all of your advice, but you always give it in the interest of helping. Not just to hear yourself talk, or see your comments in print. That is the true spirit of Neo! Thanks for the read, and the comments. ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

often say; " I am surprised at the response of the reader" [paraphrased] You never know when a poem is going to turn out to be better than you think. I wasn't sure about this one, but decided that I should post it anyways. I'm so glad that you liked this one. I'm still struggling with the lines that Stan mentioned. I'm not sure, but may make some changes. I think I will give it a little time to simmer, before I look at it again. Thanks for your praise, ~ Love and higgest bugs, ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

Sometimes my dreams make great poetry. Sometimes, they just scare the hell out of me! A giant aquarium? How did you hide that?
And two whole months...I'm impressed! LOL Love ya, ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

written in the tomb of the ancient moralist. This is a thoughtful bit of poetry in a dark style reminiscent of e.a.p. You need to strive for a darker more shocking content though in my opinion, as this lacks the needed punch, but it shows a steady flow of rhythm and coherent thought that holds its weight. Read it out loud and smooth out the bumps. Then if it were me I'd go for more Poe on this one. Well done and stands on its own as a good poem.

B

the kind of thing I was going for. Rather than mess with this one too much, I have decided to start another that will continue the line of thought, and hopefully improve in the dark part. I may get what I am looking for, by the end of a couple of more poems. Thanks, ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

But man is man, and he must know
What he can and cannot do
Though the wind begins to blow
He adds the two and two

This had true and deep meaning for me. The title is very intriguing, it sends chills down my spine! I liked Stan's suggested changes, too.

always, cat

p.s.

I miss Killer, will he be along soon?

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

have those true and deeper meanings. Of course, I had a true and deeper meaning in mind, when I wrote those lines. The title was straight from the dream that spawned this poem. I saw a face from the past, that came from the darkness, and laid a finger against it's lips, and very quietly, said Shhhhhh. The dream began.... I also liked Stan's suggestions, and implemented some of them in my edit. Yes, Killer is on his way back from vacation. He is tired of just hanging out, and is looking for something to do. He needs a cause. Any suggestions? Love ya, ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

A cause for poem theme... I would love to read a poem about Killer's moment of birth and where he came from.

love, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

considering that very theme for some time. Right now, I am working on giving him a dog. I am probably going to gather all of Killer's poems into one place, and decide how to arrange them all. With the advent of said gathering, I will add his birth, and where he comes from. Of course, this would not have happened at all, if I had not had the support of you, and all the others that have been so interested in him. I think he might have just passed away as a couple of poems. We, [Killer and I ] have been very pleased at the response that we have recieved. Even those people who weren't very appreciative at first, have come to know and like Killer and his exploits. Coming soon, the birth of Killer! Thank you for your continued support, love ya, ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.