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Poor Old Mr Bandersnatch ( For Humor In Poetry workshop )

The frumious Bandersnatch,
so little understood
headed for his cottage
deep down in Tulgey wood,

Goldilocks went skipping by
and said to Bandersnatch,
“have you been out hunting
and bagged yourself a catch"?

The frumious Bandersnatch
ran on toward his house
as grumpy as a bear;
yet quicker than a mouse!

'twas then he called a lawyer
to moan about his case
telling him of slander
while tears ran down his face.

“Someone's spreading stories”,
so said the Bandersnatch,
“I'm not a horrid beast
with vicious claws that catch”.

He said “and while we're at it
the big bad wolf is here.
He says that Granny hood
just makes “him” squirm with fear.

And what about the wicked witch
she says she's innocent
eating up those children
was not her true intent!

So the “honest” lawyer came
and said “you wait and see,
I'll represent you all
beside the tum tum tree”.

Well the lawyer did his best
but a prosecutor came
the “wicked” witch was there
and all the toons of fame.

He called upon sweet Gretal
who said it was absurd
The witch is a trickster;
an evil, lying, turd!

Then he called for Papa bear
who came up to the bar
he declared, with venom
“he's the baddest wolf by far”!

Prince Charming; the attorney,
he used that smoulder look
winking at the judges
to bring them all to book!

The judges gave their verdict,
they were the foolish sort;
told them they were evil
then threw them out of court.

The Jabberwok protested
as did the green eyed Grinch
annoyed at the judges
who wouldn't give an inch.

And so throughout the ages
deep down in Tulgey wood
poor Mr Bandersnatch
has been misunderstood.

So when you hear these fables
I think that you will find
it's always best to wait
and keep an open mind!

'Cos when you hear a judgement
that's based upon a wink,
the truth, as you know it
may not be what you think!

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
OMG! This is long - and it's not that funny, but I thought I'd put it up anyway!
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

"Blah blah wood".......That sure make maintaining rhythm easy lol. Could have (since the woods belong to bandersnatch) have called it "the snatch wood"................is that too subtle ? lmao. This poem is pleasantly entertaining and easily made me smile but it ain't exactly a gut buster. I expect you'll turn it into one though. After all any poem which uses turd as a rhyming word can't be all bad......stan

You win some, you lose some. Te he I don't appear to be in the humour zone at the moment. Phaft

I've changed blah blah wood back to what I originally put in. Hope it's better. How I'm going to turn it into a gut buster is another thing!

Glad of your visit and observations - thanks Stan!

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

First, I love the length. We don't get enough poetry of bulk around here.
The whole thing had shades of Tolkien and Frodo's song. You took a little snippet of a tale and turned it into a set piece.
I love it.

who said it was obsured! (I think the spelling you need here is "absurd".)

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

:) Thank you - you have made me smile - a lot.

Thank you for letting me know about the correction that needed to be made. ( well spotted )

Love to you

Mand xxxxx

author comment

my only crit is that the rhymes in the second and sixteenth verses are super forced. this is hysterical though, i really like it. also, great job on the storytelling aspect - i'm way too impatient to pull off something of this length!

mag

I'll work on those two stanza's - thanks for letting me know, muchly appreciated.

Glad you liked it, if it made one person smile I'm happy. :)

Thanks for your kind comment!

Love Mand xxxxxx

author comment

Is this for Chrys's workshop of fairy stories, the title needs to be edited and it put in the right place lol.
Also on the submission you will see a workshop dropdown, just go there and you will find the Humour in poetry heading just click on that ..
Great write there girl, will see what happens to my writes later, Yours Ian xx
Great characters ..
A Bandersnatch is a fictional creature from Lewis Carroll's 1872 novel Through the Looking-Glass and 1874 poem "The Hunting of the Snark".

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thanks for letting me know! Hopefully I've implemented everything you've mentioned. :) you are a very kind man!

Your poem made me laugh! he he

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

You have the title down as for barbara's workshop - (it's Chrys's)

Good use of characters
'Tis humerous - love the prince using 'his smoulder look' to influence the judge....
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

None of mine where naked! Lol

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

I enjoyed this little tale

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Glad you enjoyed it - it's not as funny as I'd have liked it, maybe one day I'll work on it to make it funnier. Te he

Thanks again for taking the time to read and leave a comment. :) muchly appreciated.

Love to you

Mand xxxxx

author comment

I so love this write even more now

a couple of thinga..
Stanza 10 verse 2 'obsured' - do you mean 'absurd'?

Also, last stanza - c'os ... should be written 'cos - the apostrophe signifies the missing letter(s) (be).. as in the use of (it's) - the apostrophe signifies the 'i' in the full version 'it is'
lol - English lesson over...

As you've capitalised other proper nouns, perhaps you should capitalise Tulgey Wood ? - (you have half done so the second time)

finally 'the true of the story' - i kind of like it - it's almost a yoda mix-up ...
but 'the truth of the story' or 'the really true story' would be better grammar
lol - ignore me if you like - sometimes my English major gets the better of me :)

Meter is great
I have a few suggestion just to tidy a couple of spots (to my ear, i stress)
'Someone is spreading stories' - 'someone's spreading stories'
'And as for the wicked witch ' - 'and, too, as for the wicked witch' - or even 'and, as for that damn wicked witch'

Great poem
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

You've been really helpful!! I've done most of the edits you mentioned - need your opinion on the edit for the wicked witch - I've put "And what about the "old hag" is that acceptable or does it still need editing?

I'm really grateful for your expertise and opinion! Thank you, Thank you!

Look forward to your reply

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

maybe like
'and what about the wicked hag'
could also be
'And what about the wicked witch'

Just opposed to 'and what about the old hag'
can you hear the difference in scansion?

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Sounds good! "and what about the wicked witch" it is then! Brilliant - you're a dream!

Love to you xxxxx :)

Mand xxxx

author comment

Need I comment...I don't think so cuz all ahead of me have already clapped for you...so i would do just that...did you hear it?

Much love...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Excellent meter throughout - lol, at least imo

i was just skipping through the comments again and re-read mag's
those two stanzas are an easy fix
Something to get you started, at least...

stanza 2
Red Riding Hood went skipping by
and said to Bandersnatch
'Have you been hunting on the sly
and bagged yourself a catch?'

And for stanza 16,
it's always best you're able
to keep an open mind.

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I've made some adjustments! Your help is greatly appreciated - I hope it's a bit better now - just got the second to last stanza to do. ( unless you can spot anything else lol ).

Thanks again Judy. :) xxxx

Love Mand xxxx

Ps - just remembered I think Mags made that observation before I edited it - Is stanza 16 o.k or do you still think I need to edit it?

author comment

but I'm going to comment on another of your poems here because my computer won't let me post on it.
Concerning the poem with the capitals then:
The line length is fine, but I would lose the capitals. I have always thought that capitals through an entire sentence looks like the poet has no faith in the quality of the poem and (like in computers) must resort to yelling.

Concerning this poem... I think you are getting all the help you need on this one. Judy's suggestions are spot on.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

For coming back and taking the time to share your expertise. :) I've made the change on the one with the capitals - it looks better too! :)

I really appreciate yours and Judy's help! xxxx

Love Mand xxxx

Ps I hope everything works out with the computer problem!

author comment
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