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Homeplace/Homer's Place (humor shop exercise 3)

Homeplace (original)

I came upon a house today
though most of it had gone away
and left behind its mossy bones
of listing piers and cracked hearthstones

So I took a pause for pondering
in midst of random woodland wandering
to think of those who once lived there
where none go now but deer and hare.

My gaze took in a lonesome hollow
and found that it was bound to follow
up its course to a clear spring
which issued from a small stone ring

I saw then that their source of drink
came from this spring not some well's brink
all their water they would bring
from this pure forgotten spring

There stood an oak still giving shade
to this home's place as when a glade
surrounded it instead of woods
and quail would raise their tiny broods

Did once children's laughter ring
as they swayed on a long rope swing
that hung from this tree's lower limb?
I wondered what became of them

And did their father trudge at night
from working fields toward cheery light
where loving wife prepared a meal
to help assuage his hungry feel?

But evening came, i had to go
or my own love would worry so
I set my feet to homeward take me
for bones and muscles now were achy

I had then no more time to ponder
about deserted home place yonder

"Homer's Place"

I came upon a house today
though most of it had gone away
and left behind its mossy bones
of listing piers and cracked cell phones

So I took some time to think
while sipping on a potent drink
to think of those who once lived there
where none go now but deer and hare

Blurred gaze took in wavering hollow
so I took another swallow
then staggered to a nearby spring
unzipped and pissed then shook my thing

I thought nobody better drink
from now yellowed spring with stoney brink
I let a volume of gass pass
then laughed, slipped and fell down on my ass

I looked skyward from huge oak's shade
which had been here since when a glade
was all about instead of trees
I slowly got up on my knees

Did once children's laughter ring
as they swayed on a long rope swing
naked as any jay birds?
They'd jump and land on yard bird turds

And did their father trudge at night
from whore hopping toward his home's light
where pissed off wife awaited him
wanting to tear him limb from limb

But evening came I had to go
so I stood up shaky and slow
hoping I could find my way back
then scratched a chigger in my crack

I loosed another fart as loud as thunder
then turned upwind from someplace yonder

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

when i read the third stanza

funny stan - from your other writes in this WS, i see you rely very much on crude humour - nothing meant by this comment - just an observation :)

I really enjoyed this
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Wellll not always. You might want to read "sins of the flesh" or "a taste of salt". But it's hard to beat a fart type joke when pressed for time lol.....stan

author comment

you is just bad and to twist one of your own into a sniggering heap Well Done.
Fun read and worthy of your quill,
Yours, Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Not just one of my own, one of my earliest and still favorite lol. If you can't laugh at your own work there's something wrong with you. thanks for flying by and alighting a spell.....stan

author comment

As me knees is playing up, as is yours
I broke me Zimmer frame in doors
I thought I would become a lonely Sparrow
So that I can fly anywhere after tomorrow..

Loves you all that walk the Earth, why don't you learn to fly, it has me in a right flap,
Yours Sparrow

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

we all learned to fly rubber hat and coat sales would sky rocket .......................................stan

author comment

Well I tend to think Judyanne is right in her observations - I stumbled across an old poem of yours which was just about as saucy as you can get! Lol

and going on our join effort I have come to know a little bit more about your sense of humour! he he

Very funny Stan - made me laugh out loud too. :)

Did once children's laughter ring
as they swayed on a long rope swing
naked as any "any" jay birds? xxxx wondered if you meant to put "any" twice?
They'd jump and land on yard bird turds

Love Mand xxxxx

Don't tell anybody but the naked on a swing was based on a real incident involving a certain southern guy's 2 sons lol. Thanks for the double "any" catch, I'll get that fixed now......stan PS the swinging thing is covered in a poem titled "the vine"

author comment

I didn't like this as much as your other, but the rewrite is excellent.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Better to be on a disgusting roll than to be a disgusting troll lol.......stan

author comment
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