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Living with a castle and a dungeon

It's really cold outside
The rain has stopped
But it's still moist and damp
And I'd rather stay inside. Abba

At this age running fifties
It's not so easy
In this skin
No longer twenties or thirties.

Outside is so cold and dreary
Like my sour attitude
Simply not in the mood
For messy yelling kids, feeling weary.

A fruit of my womb
Interjected her thought
You're bi-polar
Took me back with a boom.

My dungeon forever with me
I always remember
My castle, wide awake
Wishing they all leave me be.

The weather man predicted
The next three days of the same
Cold cold precipitation
Has me conflicted

Editing stage: 

Comments

I like the kind of casual rhyming thing you've got going on. short, and not so sweet, but that's the point right? a nice "in the moment" recollection. my only suggestions are to drop the word "she" in the fourth stanza, and change the second line in the fifth stanza to something like "i always remember" to shorten up the line a bit.

mag

Thanks I've made the changes you suggested and it works really good

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

A really melancholic train of thought... had my mood drop - well done
One thing - 'the rain has stop (stopped)

a typo at the end of line 2 stanza 3
and did you mean to write 'bio polar' instead of 'bi-polar'

a really good write
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thanks for reading and pointing out those pesky typos. I've made the changes.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment
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