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Imperial Madman

Submitted by vandiemenspeak on Sat, 2015-01-10 23:26

Heirs of this dark earth,
You must wait for your due

None are yet certain
What Legacy holds

The bright and emboldened few
Own the truth, bound and trussed up with string

They hold it close to their chests, a privation of history,
A great and inglorious thing

So, what does Mother sing to you?
As you lie in the scarlet room

What promise, what hope, what lies beyond
The walls of the waiting womb?

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words: 
Loose structure as usual, part of a thing I'm working on, a suite of sorts. Let me know what ya think! Thanks, Chris. PS The theme stems from reading a poem by Australian poet, A.D. Hope "Imperial Adam" - not a response, but more of a catalyst.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

judyanne

Sun, 2015-01-11 06:12

judyanne's picture
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Very nice to meet you

This write is very powerful
it interested me enough to read imperial adam - i like your version better :)

I have nothing to offer in thought of any way to improve... although I did wonder about the rhyme - any reason you didn't try to rhyme the first two couplets?

and i really like both the opening (it draws the reader in immediately) as well as the closing lines which leave the reader pondering the purpose of life

Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

vandiemenspeak

Sun, 2015-01-11 19:40

vandiemenspeak's picture
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Thanks for your kind words. No reason for not rhyming the first 2, just didn't want to force anything, and would detract from the meaning. A.D. Hope did have some fine moments though, if you can track down "Death of a bird" (ignoring the fact that not all birds are migratory) - it is a beautiful piece of iambic pentameter, almost flawless..

Thanks and love to you too :)

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

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