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Lunatic Fringe
Lunatic Fringe
I trip the light facetious
in purple suede with fringe
to mortify conservative elite
were I more ambitious,
this skit would be a binge,
and my vengeance all the more complete
pugnacious innuendo
unnerves me none the less
as I am but a shadow on the wall
depleted of bravado
yet full of emptiness
there is little one can do but fall
the enemy has minions
to serve his every need
whilst I, alone, revolve around myself
besieged by dark opinions,
and thorns which make me bleed,
my soul is like a trinket on a shelf
where the schizophrenic roam
beyond the reach of why
is just the place my psyche needs to be
free to search for some quaint home
no mortal can deny
and all my eccentricities are free
C. Lon R. Bruso
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
Here is the new title for this poem. I will be awaiting any feedback to see if I accomplished anything!
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
judyanne
Fri, 2015-01-09 10:03
demagogue
Doesn't seem the correct word here
The write (as i read it, at least) isn't angry enough - a demagogue, as i understand it, is someone like McCarthy - a person who gives powerful oration to stir up the masses
Your very words, as i read them, portray a certain helplessness
Eg - 'as i am just a shadow on the wall, depleted of bravado'
Apart from my concerns re the title, i think this is a powerful write
I love the opening lines - they draw one in immediately
Language use, as usual with your writes, is excellent
I had a little trouble feeling the rhythm with the different form, but that is probably just me :)
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Lonnie
Fri, 2015-01-09 11:40
Thank you Judy,
You are absolutely correct, I should have chosen a better title! I'll have to ponder on a more suitable one. Thanks much for your time and feedback!
author commentIan.T
Fri, 2015-01-09 11:50
Lonnie
As Judy the Title:-Demagogue
Define Demagogue at Dictionary.com
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/demagogue:-
A person, especially an orator or political leader, who gains power and popularity by arousing the emotions, passions, and prejudices of the people.
Seems a little harsh for your write, I shall wait and see what happens, if it as the title, then it needs to be pointed at group of people.
I loved the rhythm that flowed in this piece,
Yours Ian.
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
lonlyhrtsclub13
Sat, 2015-01-10 18:23
wow
This was an intense write. I really like the title. Makes me think of someone who is hanging on the balance of being emotionally ok and not ok. Good job.
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
Lonnie
Sun, 2015-01-11 13:43
Thank you. Carrie
I get two suggestions to change the title, I do so, and end up with one person commenting after the change. Thank God I'm not suicidal anymore! LOL!!
author commentjudyanne
Sun, 2015-01-11 13:48
lol - sorry lonnie
that I didn't get back to this in decent time - I was always coming... yes a better title, I like it
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)