Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Fizzled

Submitted by brittle light on Thu, 2010-11-25 07:54

.
watching ice cubes melt.
like our love
in a tumbler
...no, not love
but affection.
no, I mean
...you know!
where does it go?

once solid
now
melded
into background
fulfilling obligation,
function, duty

after time,
what's left?
tastess dilution?
tepid staleness?

thankfully,
the buzz
we love in big giant gulps,
remains

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Thu, 2010-11-25 13:24

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

toread the first stanza two or three times before I understood it, but once I did get it, the rest of the poem flowed well. Yes, one might think that love that is been around awhile might go stale, but you evidently have found a way to keep it fresh and new. Big gulps of love! I love that! You might try rearranging the first stanza a little to even the flow, but very nice work! ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

weirdelf

Fri, 2015-01-02 01:44

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

hmmm

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Esker

Mon, 2015-01-05 01:57

Esker's picture

met at a bar...
we would briefly understand each other in moments during
drinking....the rest was incompatability,,,functioned, just,,
moments in that madness when we got along that made our
hearts soar....madness...now we feed on those like nectar
in tomb jars....

relate to this wrk well

thak you

Esker

Mon, 2015-01-05 01:59

Esker's picture

double entry

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.