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Unsolicited Advice

Submitted by Simon Smythe on Thu, 2015-01-01 18:29

eyes forward
no one cares
keep on truckin’
don’t wear flares

wake up early
know the date
eat the sugar
don’t be late

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Ian.T

Thu, 2015-01-01 19:00

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This needs some bones in it not sure what type of work it is but it seemed to lack either a few stanzas or a good theme.
I look forward to your next write, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Simon Smythe

Fri, 2015-01-02 18:30

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was that guy from Seinfeld.
I shall investigate

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Ian.T

Fri, 2015-01-02 18:37

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I shall reinstate my A-Z of poetry it may be of help.
Take care, Yours Ian.T
PS:- Stanza is mentioned amongst other things and forms of poetry, have fun..

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Simon Smythe

Sat, 2015-01-03 19:12

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but I only wish to learn rules to know better how to break them

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Ian.T

Sat, 2015-01-03 19:32

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To break the rules
you must have an understanding of life
Where we are is just a drop in those vast Oceans,
Yet we can move many things together.
Take care out there and good luck,
Yours Ian .T

Here is the New Zealand piece I wrote in 2012:-

A New Zealand Journey

Posted on January 12, 2012

I couldn’t hold those ones I knew
there I had to fly northward true
a beach laid out as our stories tell
its course I ran to a place I knew well.

Making haste gathering thoughts
did I know of things gone by
where I should have listened
not made someone cry?

Then other things came to me
As on I flew just by the sea
of a love I had and was so true
then the tear I had, as it was you

This feeling of flying along the sands
the memories of me in many lands
a lonely traveller I was back then
this time the journey will never end

I see the beach is curving now
A sparse clad stone small somehow
It holds my feet in love to be
as I launch myself over the sea

The Northern waves let me fly
now I know that we don’t die
a peace descended on my soul
as this spirit did homeward go

If you are scared of things to be
Call my name, I will fly with thee

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Esker

Sat, 2015-01-03 22:45

Esker's picture

drive on driver it dont mean no mind....

wesley snow

Sun, 2015-01-04 13:00

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Don't let them scare you off. The piece is minimalist poetry and I like it. It would behoove you (and you might enjoy it) to look into some of the classical forms. Like Bach in music, they teach things that can't be learned elsewhere about rhythm, logic, clarity and the like.
Then break the rules and write poetry.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Simon Smythe

Mon, 2015-01-05 03:33

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I like the cut of your jib

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Esker

Mon, 2015-01-05 01:09

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about the escalation of horror
sometimes to survive you harden
like a cadence...
rather then try to thread meaning philosophically
keep moving layering then absorb the impact
of each significant occurence..
was the survivors of many that taught me that..
i can relate to the poem well..
i got kicked into action many times.

there were times my sheltered life kept me
strong and the no shelter straight up
this is what you have to do made me
stronger...

each path each writing style each voice is a route
like dialects

Thak You!

Simon Smythe

Mon, 2015-01-05 03:37

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Esker
you always get me thinking
again

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weirdelf

Sat, 2016-12-24 15:44

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and normally I'm a huge fan of less is more, ruthless elimination of the inessential, but have you heard Baz Luhrmann's "Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen"?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI

hmm, nah, just listened to it again and yours is better.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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