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upswing

Submitted by Simon Smythe on Tue, 2014-12-16 12:55

on noticing I had regressed
I obliged by becoming depressed
my toe stubbed a rock
my head took a knock
and the need for a smile was addressed

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
the last line is the hardest in these Lyms - the spunks always lacklustre
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

raj

Tue, 2014-12-16 12:58

I agree with what you have said about the hardest things in Limericks

How about "all but me were impressed" for line 5?

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Simon Smythe

Fri, 2014-12-26 03:33

Simon Smythe's picture

thanks Raj
it took some thought but I feel closer

author comment

Ian.T

Fri, 2014-12-26 03:56

Ian.T's picture
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A good write there and fun to read.
But now you have planted the seed.
About you and you
Where nothing is true
Lets see what bad thinking can breed.

Your last line is fine,
but glance at mine
It may be what you need, lol
The self centred thing can be addressed with :-
"Me and me are becoming obsessed"
Only fun just ignore if not the one.
Damn have got stuck in a rhyme.
I'm getting out while I still have time,
Yours Ian.T He He

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

weirdelf

Sat, 2016-12-24 15:33

weirdelf's picture
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Though isn't the problem more often the other way round? For people to believe in themselves they need to apply the same yardstick as they do to others.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

weirdelf

Sat, 2016-12-24 15:38

weirdelf's picture
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And this is a superb example.
Sure the last line can be difficult to make punchy however even if this one wasn't as good as it is the other 4 lines would carry it and that is very rare indeed in a limerick.

There is a young man in Japan
whose limericks never quite scan
he sits up all night
but try as he might
he always ends up putting as many words in the last line as he possibly can.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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