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May Be May Be Not
Between dawn and dusk
a lot happens in our world
is night a reprieve?
the moon keeps up the vigil
till the sun rises again
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Editing stage:
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Comments
Rula
Tue, 2014-12-16 01:44
Food for thought
Raj... loved the tanka and language used.
If you could find an alternative for "does" may be "keeps up", unless you want it for the purpose of emphasis.
I really like the thought you put there and the optimistic view.
Best regards.
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raj
Tue, 2014-12-16 11:15
Hi Rula
Thanks for the visit, Good to know you found it thought provoking. Appreciate your comment. I deleted the word "does" as proposed by you. However, i don't think it would be right to use "keeps up". Therefore altered the line without affecting the vowel count. Do you think it to be better now?
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Tue, 2014-12-16 12:00
I wanted "keeps up"
to mean "maintain" or "preserve"
as I understand the line.
Anyway it certainly flows well after the edit.
Well done!!
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raj
Tue, 2014-12-16 12:19
Rula
Thanks for coming back. I was apprehensive whether "keeps up" is colloquially right. But on second thoughts I feel it does, so i have adopted your suggestion in toto. Thanks again.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Tue, 2014-12-16 12:27
I am
happy you thought it sounds well.
Thanks for sharing Raj.
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raj
Tue, 2014-12-16 12:35
Thanks Rula
for your approving comment.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Seren
Sat, 2015-01-17 06:49
Dearest Raj
This one touches on the profound, beautiful, nothing to critique its a gem as it sits, what a wonderful poem, I am inspired ...
much love and hugs Jayne x
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
raj
Sat, 2015-01-17 13:35
Dearest Jayne
Your visiting this poem considering all that you are enduring these days in itself is beyond words to express how good I feel and to know that you found it profound gives me joy ...i can't thank you enough...
be well soon..
much love and warm hugs...
raj (sublime_ocean)
mand
Sat, 2015-01-17 08:47
I agree
This is a profound! And the title ( I think ) is in answer to the question you pose - I guess people would answer that question differently! The sun and moon are dancing partners waltzing the dance of life! ( I don't know if that made sense but it sounded good! ) Lol
I just loved this tanka
Love Mand xxxx
raj
Sat, 2015-01-17 13:36
Hi Mand
Thank you for your comment and to know that you liked this Tanka and found it to be profound...
Much love...
raj (sublime_ocean)
lovedly
Sat, 2015-01-17 14:23
but didn't you raj
post this earlier ? lovely vigil though
the moons
sublime!
raj
Sun, 2015-01-18 05:06
No Lovedly, I don't remember
No Lovedly, I don't remember having written this one earlier..so don't remeber either of posting it earlier..
Thanks for the visit and your comment...
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
lovedly
Sun, 2015-01-18 11:06
thanks a lot
at times i day dream
regards Raj
ur sublime
some day come
and
with me have some red wine
Roscoe Lane
Sun, 2015-01-18 19:57
Good work,
Good work raj, liked this a lot. Regards Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
raj
Mon, 2015-01-19 13:05
Thank you Roscoe
for your time and encouraging comment.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)