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A Scene On Christmas

Submitted by alidzain on Sat, 2014-12-13 17:41

The silence of the night broken
by a joyous Christmas carol
and the sound of santas' bells ,
bringing cheer to the world.
In the warm Christian houses
families gather,bearing gifts.
The air filled with joyful laughter,
beautiful moments are conceived

Outside an old man walks alone,
peering at their christmas trees,
wishing that he had a home.
The cold winter chills his poor bones
he heads to a nearby shelter
where others like him seek refuge
from the unforgiving weather.

Under the gentle moonlight,
the snow-covered land bears witness
the humans' delights and plights
forming a scene on Christmas

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Consider this poem an early Merry Christmas greeting to my friends here. Let's not forget the unfortunate as you celebrate this festive season. I know this may be too early for the greeting but I'm gonna be very busy during the month's end so I'm saying it now when I am still free. - Alid
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

brittle light

Sun, 2014-12-14 02:33

brittle light's picture

a few things, but just for now:
refuge... not refugee...either it's a typo or misspelling, or misuse of the word

"having lost it to corporate geed" is too specific, compared to the tone used in the rest of the poem.

wishing he "had" a home...I can't tell you the rule for this, I'm just using my ear..."Has" doesn't sound right!

I like the overall tone of the piece
will get back to you later

Al

alidzain

Sun, 2014-12-14 06:20

alidzain's picture

Thanks for the visit and the feedback.
"having lost it to corporate greed"... em well, I'm trying to find another way to say it but still come up empty.

Anyway, glad you liked it.

Alid

author comment

brittle light

Sun, 2014-12-14 14:58

brittle light's picture

the poem would be timeless, universal,...except for the corporate greed thing...
my thoughts run toward something like...lost in the vagaries of life.

why he lost his home is not the major intent of the poem...just that there are those living with misfortune... even leaving out the line completely would be better...if it doesn't effect the structure.

I didn't mean to sound so abrupt in the first comment... sleep deprivation was the culprit!

Al

raj

Sun, 2014-12-14 11:59

Al has already commented before what i too would have suggested. Otherwise the poem has a lot of sensitivity and creates the contrast ...hope you are done with the surgery and feeling good.

Take good care dear friend.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

alidzain

Sun, 2014-12-14 13:18

alidzain's picture

its not done yet. due to some complications, it is postponed to next month. my mind is still in a mess. my sis has been confirmed with hernia and my uncle is also not well. anyway, i hope that all our friends here are much more better off. Sometimes I do find myself thinking about Jayne. I hope she's feeling better too. I keep telling myself to be strong. i've read one of her feedback to malice about a terrible assault on her person and i admire the fact that she can still remain strong and talk about it. compared to that, my prob are nothing..By the way, any suggestion to replace that line?

Alid

author comment

wesley snow

Sun, 2014-12-14 13:37

wesley snow's picture
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Christmas is never too early.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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scribbler

Sun, 2014-12-14 22:39

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Christmas and Christian should both begin with capital letters. This shows clearly the extremes of this time of year. The giving of love between friends and family and the depressing plight of those who seem forgotten by the world. The Corporate greed thing has already been covered. "Having lost it and all" might be a good substitute as it cover both his home and other losses not mentioned and also is non specific as to cause which makes the loss more universal.
I share your concern about Jayne. Best of luck with your upcoming surgery which I just now have heard about. Hope all goes well with you and yours..........stan

alidzain

Sat, 2015-02-07 04:48

alidzain's picture

Thank you for the visit and the corrections. I've done the edits.

Alid

author comment
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