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Before I Shove Your Pushy Ass Out The Door

Submitted by brittle light on Sun, 2014-12-07 20:26

I went out today
no, I didn't. that's a lie
I wanted to go, but...
no, that's a lie too
I just wanted to stay in and drift with my current state of inertia
but you would probably frown upon that
you do that sort of thing, you know
you know you do
so I thought I'd start with an end run
and lie...just to shut you up... out....yeah, shut you out for awhile

stop pushing
I just want to be,
not be ALL I can be
that's redundant, or something like that
this "seize the day" stuff is way too aggressive and self-aggrandizing
capital A-type bullshit

I think you're just afraid of missing something,
of being left out
a hipless hipster...oh! the lowest of the low!

you've ended up a follower
pretending you've blazed a trail, even though it ends up nowhere...which it always does

so, stop pushing
please, leave me out of your nightmarish fear of becoming a loser

I'm not lost

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
this is, in part, inspired by the writing style of Emogothgirl...not the content, of course!... I never felt I found a natural flow when writing like this, but thought I'd give it another try... what the hell...nothing ventured, nothing gained (I didn't write that last part)
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Mon, 2014-12-08 00:23

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Sprung.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

brittle light

Mon, 2014-12-08 10:18

brittle light's picture

I googled the word sprung, hoping for some clue as to what your comment meant.
It is a bit cryptic

now, I am assuming it refers to Hopkins "sprung rhythm". Am I correct?

thanks,

Al

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weirdelf

Mon, 2014-12-08 16:19

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for caught in the act.
To me there was nothing between the lines, however I am probably just in one of my thick moods.
The poem seemed to me to have no content beyond its overt words.
Harsh yes, tell me I'm wrong.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

brittle light

Mon, 2014-12-08 18:38

brittle light's picture

I concur with your assessment.
my primary intention was to write something, anything, straight through; beginning to end.
by-passing the "piecing together of smaller constructed stanza, and lines" method ordinarily used by me.
This was an experiment; to experience the act of freer writing, not so much worrying about an ineffable poetic content.

I wish it had worked out better, but I am happy with a kind of progress, in spite of the lack aforementioned

harsh...no! although, if I had disagreed with you...I'm not sure how I would have taken it...but that is moot now.

thanks,

Al

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Ian.T

Mon, 2014-12-08 19:27

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I think you drifted into the realms of thought that is suppressed, as if you know what your boundaries are and you wont let anyone push you as you are maybe content where you are.
God help anyone that stands in your way if you ever reach out to your potential realm of reality.
We, I think move in a circle of being that is comfortable, knowing that should we reach out for that place we long for most times then others may become hurt.
We are bloody angels sometimes, a great write and I enjoyed the thought of freedom, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

brittle light

Tue, 2014-12-09 17:12

brittle light's picture

I'm no angel of any stripe...I am alone, I like it. There is no one that can be hurt anymore.

What I am is my " potential"... Doing more doesn't move anyone closer to satisfying a vague notion that they could, and should, be better than they are. That's just wishful thinking...a lot of "if only"....then I would be cool, then I'd be The Man!
Everybody moves into the future, changes occur, we change. The idea of potential is for losers, an escape tool for rationalizing... what ,and why they are who they are right NOW.

Just my response to some of your comments here.

I'm glad you found something redeeming about this piece...certainly not high poetry, but, what the hell! There is more to Neopoet than just that, n'est pas?

. regards,

Al

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judyanne

Mon, 2014-12-08 20:41

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i really like this write Al.....

‘nothing between the lines’? i note heaps of emotion.... lethargy, anger, frustration .... and maybe a little disgust... and definitely some self-contentedness...

as well as a pretty good character description of two people...

and even though it doesn’t evoke any emotion, per se, on my part, i still, through the write empathise... no doubt as i have felt this way myself on the occasion....

i think your experiment was somewhat successful
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

brittle light

Tue, 2014-12-09 17:37

brittle light's picture

Jess likes, and looks for the je ne sais quoi in a piece of writing. If it doesn't pop out at him..., well, you know....

Glad you found something of (value?) But even if it were a total lose...I'm a big boy, and rarely cry about incidental remarks, or opinions.

thanks so much for taking the time to critique, and having the "balls" to joust with Jess.

sincerely.

Al

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Esker

Mon, 2014-12-08 21:53

Esker's picture

poet still thrives..
still relevant
lyrics branding
advertisements
etc

maybe I push for a commercialization
in my works
which is what I do in my fine art pencil
sketchs
a realism
with a soft or
crisp texture
like my attempts at photos

and it works..often
because I believed it possible

I like the "Hipless Hipster" line..
that was like a spit and a snort
old school but it still comes
from the heart in todays
genre
oh a big word there
from my hip

anyway a great poem
I like how you are more freer
you write freely
there is a flair here
in the workings
the wordings

late nite for me of late...
so Im off

Thank You!
Esker

brittle light

Tue, 2014-12-09 17:49

brittle light's picture

I hope this sense of freedom will remain and prevail in my writing, but old habits...
tricky traps...you think you're out, and they pull you back ..so, we'll just have to wait and see

thanks for the compliments and support

later,

Al

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