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The Sun of God
Excuse me please as I lace these lines with something potent
This is only a moment my day of atonement My words so ferocious
I can turn a Lion into a swarm of locust Buzzing My all ain't for nothing
For one Lend me your ears not your sympathy Crucified by those that were suppose to Love Me
Reading these words your showing me love I am Jesus My mama is Mrs. Butters-worth
My birth had complications My umbilical cord had a crush on me it was more like my clavicle
Easy like Sunday morning For those who are still ignoring I admire your ignorance
More magical then when Shaq and Penny played My flow more then minute maid
Look what a minutes made actually I got this bad ass chick Who cooks cleans and role play
Hungarian Maid At one time I was a Choir boy Usher and the token church slave
You know the type Excuse me young man can you go to the store for me
So vivid but this ain't no testimony I'm engaged to Hip Hop I'm a lyricist without a category
If you have to categorize Label me the master of the ceremony
Wake the fuck up if you think I'm boring I'll give you the shakes These are the breaks
I'll throw a rooster at your ass Mr. Cogburn
Then give you the ice bucket challenge you'll learn to respect it
Or I'll sit you in the corner for your insolence
God slaps the ignorant God bless the innocent God loves all
That's the end of it really that's the end of it
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
[This option has been removed]
Last few words:
Peace
Editing stage:
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Comments
wesley snow
Sat, 2014-12-06 18:02
The raw truth.
The work as it stands is poetry. It has a consistent line length, a moderately even meter and a powerful, even controversial subject. What it lacks is clarity. If a poem is not understood its audience shrinks. You mentioned you are a rapper and it influences your poetry. This is not a bad thing. However, rap requires the use of what we call "half sentences". It is essentially part of a sentence interrupted by the next sentence. As a literary trick it is unsettling and can be used as such... to shake the narrative up for a moment. Unfortunately, like any trick if one uses it too much it becomes hackneyed, trite, overused.
There is an incredible amount of energy in your writing. Consider slowing it down, writing in a more common way and write some poetry. Don't abandon this way of writing. It's part of you, but if you try something different we might see more of the poet.
If you want help with your poetry NeoPoet has a mentor program. Ask me if you're interested.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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