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Intense

Eyes close when lips meet
and reopen when they part
in between is bliss

matters not how long or short
but how deep is the desire

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Editing stage: 

Comments

Hi there Raj - This is a very nice senryu tanka ( I think )

I like the imagery and passion of this one! There is only one change I would make.

( only a suggestion to consider )

I wondered if the second verse would sound better without the "do"

Here's a possible alternative: "and reopen when they part" But of course it's up to you..

Apart from that it's a great poem!

Keep safe

Love Mand xxxxx

Thank you for the read and your suggestion which is already implemented :) In fact I have slightly modified the last line too because "rather depth of desire" was seeming like 8 syllables.

Thank you too for your encouraging comment.

much love and hugz..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I like it better now! it flows better! :) xxxx

Thanks for re-visiting this page and good to know that you now feel it reads better.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Aa little nugget of truth - I like this

however - even though it doesn't really matter, your last verse has only 6 syllables

Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Good to know you liked this. Are you saying desire is not 3 syllables? Thinking that it is 3 syllables i changed the last line which was "rather depth of desire"...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Two syllables
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

for coming back to this page and your confirmation that 'desire' is a 2 syllable word..so i will once again now switch back the last line to "rather depth of the desire"...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

i tried counting syllables
then realised
tis waste of time
just read raj underscore sublime
each word worth a dozen dime

Thanks Lovedly for your visit and appreciate comment.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

u r being read
our poetrys no one has read yet

Appreciate your reading and commenting.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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