Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Rendezvous

Submitted by eightmenout on Thu, 2014-11-20 11:40

When you dream
do you kill me in your sleep?
When you wake
am I the thought that makes you weep?
When you walk
do you see me in your shadow?
When you speak
do you hear me in your echo?
When you breathe
do you feel me in your breath?
When we touch
do you know that I love you to death?

I read the journal you wrote
with your eyes and your soft, lullaby sighs
as you played me note for note
in your thighs and your soft, lullaby lies

I read the journal you wrote
with your guile and your strong feminine wiles
as you spoke me quote for quote
with your smiles in your best feminine styles

I wrote the journal you wrote
as my crime faded away with your chime
and played my every note
as your time faded deep into my rhyme

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Rula

Thu, 2014-11-20 15:02

Rula's picture
Volunteer badge

I read the title then I expected something romantic.But then your romance shocked me or should I say choked me? (sorry,Just kidding)
That was a good read as it flows smoothly. But the last two stanzas and specifically the last one went over my head. But now I know when you go dark. I still like it as is and expect the title was only a mocking one.
Please tell me I am off the right track.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

eightmenout

Thu, 2014-11-20 15:49

Thank you for the visit. I'm glad you liked the poem. The title is not mocking, but one shouldn't expect that all arranged meetings are romantic either.

Scott

author comment

Rula

Thu, 2014-11-20 15:55

Rula's picture
Volunteer badge

of course. I learned something new. I thought that "rendezvous" refers only to the romantic meetings.
Thanks for the explanation.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

brittle light

Thu, 2014-11-20 17:29

brittle light's picture

I seem to remember calling you Scott...don't know why...my bad?

anyhoo...I like the poem...a twofer,,,get one, get the second one free
but they work well together.

it took a couple of reads to get the rhythm, but I did find it. Its there

one thing: "when you breathe
do you (feel) me in your breath

avoids repeating "hear"

the last verse is a little baffling ... not to you, I'm sure...just sayin'

p.s. love the line "when you dream, "do you kill me in your sleep"

Al

eightmenout

Thu, 2014-11-20 18:54

You can keep calling me Scott. That other stuff is a pseudonym and long story.

Thanks for catching the two "hear" close together. That is a pet peeve of mine. I actually went back to my hand written version and it said feel just as you proposed. Believe it or not.

I have been working with some different rhythms lately. Glad you were able to pick it up.

The last verse is a little cryptic but I don't think impossible. Hope someone is able to get it.

The first lines are my favorite too. I think it pulls the reader in. It just becomes whether or not I can hold onto them after that.

Thanks for the time. Appreciate it.

Scott

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.