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Sleepless In Singapore
Lying restlessly on my bed,
the entangled thoughts in my head
is the dragon I can't seem to slay.
Its holding my beauty sleep at bay.
The hours are leaving me behind
I'm tired but peace eludes my mind
so I drag my feet to the balcony,
seeking peace from this night's scenery
As a gentle breeze teases my hair,
I raise my chin, enjoying the cool air.
The mistress moon and clustered stars
set me thinking of friends afar.
There's Jayne who has been ill of late,
Ian who has been a kind mate,
Rula, the sister I respected
and many others I have treasured
I think of foreign lands, deprived of peace
where children are orphaned by beasts.
They struggled to survive in the ruins.
Compared to their trouble, mine is nothing.
Thus my heart is filled with chagrin
Here I am, bemoaning sleeplessness
when out there, there's a river of sad tears.
In a city unlike mine, ravaged by warmongers,
the villains spread their reign of fear.
Time passes by quickly and the night sky unravels.
The moon and her escorts retreated from my world
as the tinge of gold marks the sun's return
to his glorious throne in the face of heaven.
Sighing, I stretched my arms and legs,
wishing I don't have to be awake
but my responsibilities await me
and I'm not one to abandon my duty.
I have been robbed of my sleep again
but at least I have regained
a reason to keep on smiling
and let my heart sing.
Comments
raj
Thu, 2014-11-13 14:33
Alid
I liked this piece which creates a good image of insomnia and accompanied restlessness, when thoughts roam the empty streets with unease..but slowly transition to the glow of the rising sun..the only thing which distracted me was the rain..which does not gel with the moon and cluster of stars (bright ideas)...i could guess that by rain (tears) you may have meant overwhelming which is fine..but to keep in context of the scenario just change those lines and it would work even better is my opinion...
well done friend...
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
alidzain
Thu, 2014-11-13 15:02
Hi Raj
You are right. I know something is off but just can't pinpoint it. I've changed "rain" to "river" and I think it works better.
Alid
raj
Thu, 2014-11-13 15:07
Good change Alid. I think
Good change Alid. I think this works better...what do you think?
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
alidzain
Thu, 2014-11-13 15:33
Like I said, Raj
I think it sounds better.
Alid
Roscoe Lane
Fri, 2014-11-14 12:08
Nice poetry,
Nice poetry with a very pertinent story, just two suggestions if i may. Verse two line four, try (seeking peace from this night's scenery). And verse three line one. try( as a gentle breeze teases my hair ). Small changes but they may make sense. Still a very nice poem. Regards Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
alidzain
Fri, 2014-11-14 12:24
Thanks, Roscoe
for the visit and the suggestions, Done the edit.
Alid
eightmenout
Fri, 2014-11-14 15:35
Alid
I really liked the first three stanzas and their flow, but you lost me in the last three. the flow changed and the language was not as polished. I also feel like you rushed the last stanza.
I do believe this poem has great potential and is worth the time.
Thanks
Scott
alidzain
Fri, 2014-11-14 22:17
Hi Alvin
First of all, thanks for the visit and the feedback. What would you suggest to even out the flow?
Alid
Race_9togo
Sat, 2014-11-15 01:10
Pretty good poem Alid
It needs a little tightening, but the imagery and emotion in this come through well.
Verse 3, lines 3 and 4:
"the mistress moon and a cluster of stars
set me thinking of friends from afar"
Perhaps something like
"the mistress moon and clustered stars
set me thinking of friends afar"
The meaning is the same, the imagery is still good, but the cadence is tighter, smoother and more fluid.
Verse 4 line 1 is too long, it causes a pause and stutter as I read it.
"Here I am, complaining about sleeplessness"
Try "Here I am, bemoaning sleeplessness"
Or something similar.
I'd forgotten how much I enjoy your poetry, my friend.
Keep writing
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
Ian.T
Sat, 2014-11-15 12:55
Alid
I must have Digit buy a ticket to drop by your City he needs a rest from the easy life/death in the USA, I shall see what I can do.
But keep writing as you do it is good and full of feeling.
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
alidzain
Sat, 2014-11-15 15:54
Thanks Ian
for the visit and the encouragement. will be waiting for Digit to make an entrance.
Alid