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Deadpan (Serious Limmerick WS)
Eyes open sunken and blank
as if fate had pulled a prank
eyeballs in rubor
pupils in tumor
sans any tear in their bank
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
Rula
Fri, 2014-11-07 16:21
raj
I am still not sure about the rythm we should follow and can't say for sure if this one or mine meet the right one, but the theme appeals to me. I really like it as is.
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raj
Fri, 2014-11-07 16:40
Rula
Thanks for stopping by. Honestly, I am as unsure as you are about the rhythms and/or rhyme of this attempt in terms of conformance with the Limerick criterion. Let us wait and see what experts comment. I am glad though that you found the theme to be appealing...
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
lovedly
Fri, 2014-11-07 18:43
wow
had I read these
a few seconds earlier
I would have got the tee shirt
now tis raj yours
do let me borrow it
I just posted mine
don't laugh OK
twill be fine
Rula
Sat, 2014-11-08 16:06
Hello Raj
I read this aloud many times. I thought you could rework a bit the last line to make it a bit smoother, though it went ok with me.
I know my reading is not giving your little piece its justice, but I decided to share it anyways.
https://soundcloud.com/rula68/deadpan-by-raj
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raj
Sat, 2014-11-08 16:12
Thanks Rula for sharing your
Thanks Rula for sharing your insights. I will keep those in my mind...
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Sat, 2014-11-08 16:34
Hello raj
not an expert, yet what I sensed. I might be completely wrong about that last line.
Listen to the masters. :)
This workshop was more like an adventure. :)
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raj
Sat, 2014-11-08 16:36
Rula
I know...I have never questioned your intentions which are always so honest and good.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
weirdelf
Sat, 2014-11-08 18:31
rubor/tumor
is a close rhyme, but is rubor a word? Perhaps meaning red eyes?
Good, serious limerick, /raj.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
raj
Sun, 2014-11-09 12:16
Thanks Jess for your comment
Thanks Jess for your comment approving this to conform as a "serious" theme.
As for Rubor, it indeed does mean Redness, It is part of a series of words indicating progression of symptoms associated with inflammation:-
Calor (Heat), Rubor (Redness), Tumor (Swelling), Dolor (Pain) and Functio Liesa (Loss of function)
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)