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The Thief ( Limerick WS)(with spoken word)
A thief once went by the name of Death,
had stolen the Man but not his wealth.
In the day or the night,
while it's dark or bright,
but never been accused of taking the breath.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
lovedly
Wed, 2014-11-05 08:48
theif or maybe thief
'ccused ...did you mean accused?
and thief typo title or you wanted attraction?
Rula
Wed, 2014-11-05 08:51
Thank you
.
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Rula
Fri, 2014-11-07 16:16
Hello gem
I didn't get what does 'orf' stand for. I am not a fan of those abbreviations.
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Rula
Wed, 2014-11-05 09:26
'orf'
?
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Rula
Fri, 2014-11-07 17:11
Thanks gem
I see what you mean concerning the rhyme scheme. 'Death' and 'wealth' don't perfectly rhyme with 'filth',, right?
However the rhythm still drives me crazy
HELP!!
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lovedly
Fri, 2014-11-07 19:41
and yes some more stuff just to help
why Man in caps?
and why not include woman...
both are equal now a days
one more point ...wait I'll have to go back ...wait yes...
it's dark why not was ?? i wonder
tenses roll as the day the night
get your limys right
for a worn out tee shirt
is the targetted fight
Rula
Sat, 2014-11-08 00:59
Man
when capitalized includes both men and women.
and I can't see the use of 'was' here.
perhaps it's only me.
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raj
Sat, 2014-11-08 02:25
Rula
Not sure if this would work. Just a suggestion
A thief all fear called Death.
Steals a life of every breath.
be it day or night
he uses his might
leaving a corpse to lay a wreath
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Sat, 2014-11-08 10:50
Thank you raj
I like the suggestions. A better rhyming words: wreath, breath and death, however I still think the rhythm is off.
I thank you so much for trying to help. I will take your rhymes in consideration when editing.
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raj
Sat, 2014-11-08 13:59
That's fine Ru;a. Take
That's fine Ru;a. Take whatever suits you.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Sat, 2014-11-08 11:24
sorry
duplicated.
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wesley snow
Sat, 2014-11-08 14:42
Try this.
Do you know the poem "The Night Before Christmas"? Find it and read the opening over again. It is written in catalyctic anapest just like a limerick. The rhythm is the same. A limerick simply has but three poetic feet.
This is doing it the hard way, but it might work.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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Rula
Sat, 2014-11-08 15:57
Thank you sir
I think my ear has started to feel the sounds.
I read that poem a few times and shall do it again.
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