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Lonely tear (serious limericks)

Submitted by Ian.T on Tue, 2014-11-04 04:28

I dare you to feel the hurt that is mine
You catch me crying some of the time
For my true love I grieve
Move away from me, "Leave."
Just remember for whom, I write this rhyme.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Not sure if this swings as a limerick should, they always seem to be happy things or just funny, now what???
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Can you make a limerick serious?

Comments

Ian.T

Tue, 2014-11-04 18:24

Ian.T's picture
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The correct form for a limerick is supposed to be:-
The typical rhythm of a limerick is like this:

bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH
bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH
bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH
bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH
bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH
.
But I have used Poetic Licence here lol, thanks very much.
I will try to perfect the form as and when time permits,
I am so glad that you are here to critique, you are bringing a great deal to Neopoet, well done young Lady,
Yours Ian.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

lovedly

Wed, 2014-11-05 08:56

lovedly's picture

to make people start a day
with lamentation
instead of a positive commendation
sadness is all around
where have gone all minds
which were once sound

by the way not a limy
just a story tiny
ok shiny

Rula

Tue, 2014-11-04 15:27

Rula's picture
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yet some lines are still longer than they should, especially lines three and four. That's what differentiate lemericks from any other short form.
Still, I like it Ian

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raj

Wed, 2014-11-05 13:39

When read aloud, I notice that up to line 3 it is easy on the tongue, whereas line 4 & 5 affect the rhythm.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Ian.T

Wed, 2014-11-05 19:15

Ian.T's picture
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Lines 3 and 4 have to be short and it then becomes awkward to maintain the rhythm that the first three lines can give in their length.
I shall have another look at this one when time permits.
Thanks for your visit,
Yours Ian.
.
PS:- Digit has been to the "Liberty Bell" but I haven't seen his diary entry for that night, he is being his usual bolshie self..

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment
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