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Serious Limerick WS

It starts with a low grade fever
diarrhea and vomiting like a river
aches and chills like the polar
brought on by Ebola
never seen nothing as this, ever.

its three am in the twilight
this iPad is my nightlight
my music is deep
and I can't fall asleep
after a long day and a wicked fight.

you should've stayed gone
broking our bonds
pretending I did nothing for you
now that God has left you
I've been forced to go it alone.

there will be no unpublishing
of work I published
typos and inaccurate grammar
will feel my editor's hammer
and become discarded rubbish

Editing stage: 

Comments

Some have the limerick "sound" even, bloody well done.
Try recording some classic limericks on soundcloud or your favourite recording site and comparring the sound to classic limericks. Notable the 3rd and fourth lines tend to be shorter.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I read s lot of classic limerick last night. Now I need to get those third and fourth lines shorter. I'll wprk on that tonight.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

but river
is lesser than beaver or clever
phonetically may be
like sewer

Thanks for reading. Vomiting like a sewer, maybe. Would smell just as bad. Lol

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

instead of machine gunning crap your could be brilliant. You know there are gems there, I've told you often.
Stop being bitter and attacking me.
read these, get the feel of the sound, work on it instead of being a lazy cunt and see if you can win the t-shirt.
https://soundcloud.com/user536630132/examples-of-limericks

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

listen to these humourous limericks to get the sound in your ear of what limerick form is.
https://soundcloud.com/user536630132/examples-of-limericks

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I revise to shorten line 3 and 4. How is it?

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

maybe put some dashes or extra spaces between them to show it is not a story.
The first is excellent but I resent the bullshit racist ebola scare when the world has so any bigger problems.
The second is in the running for the t-shirt. Excellent.
The third is not limerick form, "Sound"The first is lame by using the word dodo. Say shit.
Forth, meter is wrong "but he always put as many words in the last line in as he possibly can"
The fifth my own prejudice against religion negates it and it is not a good limerick.\\You are learning and I am very impressed.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Glad you think so

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

I've revised and deleted. How is this.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

I'll win that t shirt yet.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment
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