Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Lost Innocence

A lonely street bleeds despair
as innocence ravaged by immorality
where women and children stripped bare
by sinners who know no pity.

The warmth of their smiles stolen
turned into an art of seduction.
Their laughter faded in memory
as they fell deeper into misery.

you see them walking here
in clothes barren of decency
in truth they lived in fear
caged in their insecurity

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Starts well and has good content, i just feel you lost a bit in the last verse. But maybe wait and read some other comments. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Any suggestion on how to improve the ending?

Alid

author comment

You have given voice here to your internal turbulence about the ghastly acts happening around. A couple of suggestions:-

1. by sinners who knows[know] no pity.
2. deny their story [dream]

As suggested by Roscoe you may want to work on the concluding verse which i believe is a repetition of your venting in the earlier verses. How about providing a clue about what needs to be done to absolve the victims so that they can do what they aspire?

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

thanks for the visit and done the edits as for adding the vereses, I will do it another time after I have enough rest. Thing are not going well here so I'm still struggling.

Alid

author comment

Please don't feel rushed. Take your time and do the edits as per what you deem fit. I only made suggestions..no necessary that you change. Good to see you are attempting various forms amd getting good at them.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.