Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Soulless insurgence

Submitted by Feebie on Sat, 2014-10-11 06:08

By the light of the waning moon
Sat I once again to soon
I would see the light of dawn
Leaking through the tattered clouds

A heart asunder with tears Unshed
For its to that quiet place
My dark twisted thoughts have fled
Dark. Self loathing. Destructive threads

Branching out to strangle my soul
To plunder what's left of joy
To tear apart any rememant of a smile
For once I've walked more than a mile

The journey must end. Dissipate
Into the nothingness that is this path
To the unknown unspoken blackness
That is now the dark hole I've dug

Blackness, bile, foul stench of you
Invading my nostrils, choking, smothering
Cutting off much needed breaths
I gasp, struggle grabbing, reaching

The only thing to greet these empty
Clawing hands, nothing, a void so vast
Left grasping, clutching, fingers clenching
Gasping, panic, closed in, blocked

Breath fading, sight blocked, sounds too loud
A void, vast,infinitesimal. To much
Release me, free me, let me go
Reeling, falling, down, down

Leading to who knows where
This constant descent
Speeding up, shooting through
Each desperate limb needing solid
Hand hold or foot found

Nothing, nothing making sense
Air becoming less and less dense
Darkness. Constant companion why are you always there
Hide me. Conceal me in your embrace

Remove from me doubt. Rip asunder
From deep within in this dark twisted soul
The remains of what chokes, smothers
Kills.....

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words: 
Loose thoughts of current life and how it's effects are being felt
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Sun, 2014-10-12 14:36

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

That dark hopeless place is mine!
But then you blamed another, you are not truly alone in anguish and despair, you have not faced the void.
My empathy is withdrawn.

Nicely written though, it drew me in and kept me reading, which is so important in modern poetry. Not just self expression but sharing and I'm sure many would share this.

One minor tech crit
Breath fading, sight blocked, sounds to loud
did you mean too loud?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Feebie

Mon, 2014-10-13 00:45

Feebie's picture

Thanks Jess, though perhaps not alone doesn't mean darkness doesn't consume....

Thanks for the feedback always appreciate it, first I've written for a long long time.....

Felt good!

Yours in script
Feebie

Let life be your muse in all you do!!!

author comment

weirdelf

Mon, 2014-10-13 01:13

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

just trying to find myself out of a deep dark place myself and what better place than this?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian.T

Mon, 2014-10-13 13:51

Ian.T's picture
Volunteer badge

You and Jess make a good pair,
on the road to despair.
Yet as Jess says you have not been as low as he.
Where even the shadows have shadows.
Where the life force is strangled by trying to think .
Then there is the reason for being,
which brings an absolute darkness.
If you really need to know what nothing resembles, take a trip underground and then turn all the lights out,
Here you will even find a belonging,
if you haven't been to the bottom of despair.
I am not sure if we can ever be alone, I have my children they would not let that happen and most of us have memories that will bounce around and make you know that the only way is up from where you are..

Your length of lines were constant till you reached this one:-
Darkness. Constant companion why are you always there.
I don't see the point in the double talk of, "Constant" and "Always There" to me they are the same so half the line to, "Darkness, my constant companion."
Other than that a very good descriptive write,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Feebie

Tue, 2014-10-14 10:49

Feebie's picture

Though one will have family and perhaps friends surrounding them we all have our own levels of loneliness and despair and I for one believe that should never be underestimated. Thanks for the kind words and take care...

Let life be your muse in all you do!!!

author comment

wesley snow

Tue, 2014-10-14 16:10

wesley snow's picture
Volunteer badge

We haven't met. I'm Wesley.
Is this your first poem in a while posted at NeoPoet? I don't get around as much I would like (responsibilities: here and in life), so it would be easy for me to miss you.
I'm glad I did not.
This is powerful poetry. Part verso libre, part traditional format. Meter, an interesting rhyme scheme, all in all my sort of poem.
Since I'm supposed to critique and not merely comment I will offer a suggestion. A small one, but it's all I have.
I think the poem would benefit with another round of proofreading. There are several typographical errors. I'm something of a stickler about that in my poetry, so it always catches my eye in others.

Like I said... that's all I got.
A marvelous poem.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Feebie

Wed, 2014-10-15 15:04

Feebie's picture

Hi to you Wes,

Yes it is my first in a very long while, life has run away at its very fast pace
As it tends to. Thank you for the kind words and yes its a work in progress.

I hope you enjoy your time with your fellow poets when you do get the chance to pop in and a very warm welcome from me, I've been here since 2007 and always come back. It's like coming home after a long time away and I always feel welcome and understood here.

Hope to talk more in the future!

Let life be your muse in all you do!!!

author comment

raj

Mon, 2018-06-25 06:50

Wandering through your poem vividly portrays the road you were walking at the time...i wonder if it was the time you lost your dear brother...

poetry is a good therapy even to let out steam....

be well..
...........................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Feebie

Mon, 2018-06-25 07:00

Feebie's picture

Hi Raj,

It was written two months before that event actually.

Was struggling in all areas of life at that stage and trying to pick one self up and carry on running the grueling race is not always easy as it is said.

I do use Poetry as a form of self therapy i suppose - it is a great outlet for words that are not often uttered out loud or thoughts not quite shared nakedly with others.

Thanks for stopping by

Yours in Script
Feebie

Let life be your muse in all you do!!!

author comment

raj

Mon, 2018-06-25 07:05

thanks for explaining the circumstances making you write this one....

the first stanza pretty well explains the mood at the time of writing it...
.............................................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.