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Olive Twig

He thought her a poem last Sunday
He thought it and parlayed it where she lay
Commanding the verses and words in array
He thought her a poem last Sunday
He thought it and then he went away

~You cannot control me now;~
~You can’t rule me.~
~You cannot control me now;~
~You got rid of me.~

He caught her a cloud the other day
He caught it and nestled it where she lay
So amazing, yet so full of empty dismay
He caught her a cloud the other day
He caught it and then he went away

~You cannot fool me now;~
~You can’t cover my eyes~
~You cannot fool me now;~
~You, sealed my demise~

He bought her white roses yesterday
He bought them and planted them where she lay
Petals so soft, thorns so sharp; a small price to pay
He bought her white roses yesterday
He bought them and then he went away

~You cannot hurt me now;~
~You can’t make me cry.~
~You cannot hurt me now;~
~You, let me die~

He brought her an olive twig today
He brought it and set it down where she lay
Apology moot, needed no sorry to say
He brought her an olive twig today
He brought it and then he went away

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I found this to be a very intense poem with clever use of italics for distinguishing the two. The reiteration of lines is unique and adds cadence. Thanks for posting this. I shall look forward to read more of your poems. Welcome to Neopoet.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I came back to read this one again and note that you have re-structured the stanzas which looks crisper now.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

nah, all I did was turn advanced formatting off... the poem doesn't have any of the desired effects I want.

Why does this site seem... dormant?

author comment

Ok. What kind of effects are you looking out for?

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

The formatting seems quite limited. When any formatting is done, the result is large spaces between lines... similar to using double-spaced lines. I haven't done that since elementary school. There's no choice in font style or font size... unless I am missing something?

author comment

then select the whole thing and use Ctrl x, then turn advanced formatting on and re-paste it, Ctrl v. Then apply the formatting you want. A cumbersome work-around, I know, the site was greatly simplified a few years ago when it had a major crash and the fools who had not backed up their work on their own computer lost all their work. By crikey you should have heard the whining! Their own stupid fault.

Still, it works just fine now.

The lack of font size change is purposeful. The intent being the words themselves, not word sculpture. Reactionary? Perhaps. I approve. Poetry is words. If you want to use word sculpture you can always post a link to a site that supports that.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

1.  Create text in a word file choosing font type & size options of your choice 2. Paste them here with advanced formatting option

Hope this works

 

 

He thought her a poem last Sunday
He thought it and parlayed it where she lay
Commanding the verses and words in array
He thought her a poem last Sunday
He thought it and then he went away

You cannot control me now;
You can’t rule me.
You cannot control me now;
You got rid of me
.

raj (sublime_ocean)

Not sure how it is you

were able to format a portion of my poem such as it is

but I am unsuccessful in my attempts

regardless how I format it in word

to paste here.

author comment

Let me figure out how to provide a step by step guide for you by actually working on your poem. Give me some time.

raj (sublime_ocean)

I see you could successfully use Bold and italic options via word file which I believe serves your purpose to some extent. As for reducing the line spacing, you would need to do that again in word file by reducing both indents to zero via "paragraph" option for selected text and choosing appropriate line spacing of your choice using "line spacing" option.

raj (sublime_ocean)

Nope, I guess it doesn't matter.

author comment

doesn't matter what changes I make inside Word, when it transfers here the only relevant formats it keeps are the bold, italics, underline.

author comment

Of course the Advanced text formatting has limitations here and would not be as versatile as Word. But then, as is said, "something is better than nothing". May be over a period of tme, our technical team here on Neopoet will find a way to make it fully compatible with Word.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

is supposed to be our strong suit. Therefore, I may have found a creative way past my dilemma.

Cheers

author comment

Oh yeah! I could see the proof of your creativity by using hyphens instead of italics. ...well done...truly creativity & innovation make a difference....

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

How many users are actually active and around?

author comment

Well...I do not think that at present there is any way to find out how many Members / Users are active a given time like one can notice in say Yahoo Messenger......however, from the sequence of poems posted in stream and comments ...you can get a rough idea about that since each comment has a date & time line tagged to it..

You may have noticed that as soon as a poem is revised / updated or commented upon it comes back up at the top of the stream....

Poets / Members post their poems based on inspiration...some Members are more active like Ian, Alid, Rula, etc. while others hybernate for various reasons...generally Members are allowed to post 1 poem per 24 hours in stream, whereas those who have a premium membership can post multiple poems without any restrictions...similarly there are no restrictions for those who post their poems as participants of Workshops...

You may have read that Neopoet is a Workshop site where one is expected to respond with comments to poems posted by others so that they can improvise...you may encounter some harsh comments / critiques which are expected to be taken in good spirit considering that the good intentions...should you find a need for mentoring there are some good relatively more seasoned poet members who are on the panel of Mentors, e.g., China Blue (Chrys)...she is more than willing to mentor those who express such need ...you can send PMs when required..

I am sure that over a period of time you will easily be able to explore the various features of Neopoet...it is quite User friendly...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I appreciate all you've done for me in so far as welcoming me to Neopoet. I am looking forward to receiving very honest, blunt and critical comments on the work I post. Although, to be clear, cruel it should not be ;). Yes, Neopoet is very user-friendly to navigate. I fear however there are some critical issues surrounding usability, utility and functionality but I will not get into those. Simply is not my place to complain about a place I can post my written work freely among gifted peers. I am aware of the mentors available, I'm sure they will come in handy if I shall ever need them. For now, I do not.

author comment

Mentioning about Mentors was just a piece of information I wanted to share. Having read two of your poems iss enough evidence that you are not in need of it.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Now we have two Shadows,
Firstly welcome to Neopoet.
You have hit a good place, and raj has been helping very well.
I liked your piece of writing, as we read more we will build up a picture of how you write so it is early day yet.
I don't know how to use Italics etc here and maybe should have a long time ago so will see what raj comes up with.
We have moved into a pink place at the moment but you just keep posting your work, there are a few others that aren't involved with that and will help.
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Hello, yes. For me, there is only one Shadow that counts ;). From what I can tell, Shadowteller isn't and hasn't been active in a long time. I've read the Pink workshop and as you said, time will build up a picture of how everyone on here writes, but at a glance the poems seem ok but the story as a whole has not yet found its rhythm. I would fully expect this however, from such a daring workshop
challenge.

I am only getting settled into things on here, but I will be stepping up my presence on here relatively soon. I look forward to enjoying your work as well as Raj's. I am sure I will find others work equally appeasing to read. I pull no punches when it comes to appraising certain opportunities I discover in poetic creations.

author comment

Always remember it is the words that make the poem not the spacing or other formats, they are as icing on a cake, it is still a cake,
Yours Ian

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I disagree. If it were only words any ranting could gain credibility as a literary work. Yes, it is word choice but it is also word positioning and how they interact with the words around them that make the poem. To use your cake example, it's not just the ingredients you put into the cake that matter, but rather how much of each ingredient and how and when you add them.

author comment

I just eat the cake anyway lol
I must say though any collection of words, is as a painting, a work of art,
if you need to see art sitting there.
Graffiti springs to mind, a few words scribbled without correct form are a form of art, it is how you see them.
Take care yours, Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Ian is like a father figure he only gives words of spring and with true homeostasis

i like the use of hyphens.
how you worked the creative venue
when asking and what was offered

I like the bold blunt pacing
and the age old schematic of the poem
framework

Elementary
where we learn so much

"you got rid of me"

that line I liked
which is why I like this place
its a purer form of style
then building the context
of words about
the long after affects

I like the notations
too in the use of rose and thorns
i should write Notational
and or observational

I like the word use
there is shifts and nuance
in this that I enjoy
that give it a profile
that is subtle and noticeable
like the cake
logic

"how and when you add them"

Thank You!

But I came for the poetry and was not disappointed. You have a lovely sense of rhythm and repetition. This poem is incredibly sad, but very beautiful. I wish I had a boat load of suggestions on how to improve it, but I have none.
I hope you will consider challenging your writing and playing with us in some workshops. I think not only would you benefit from the involvement, but we would benefit as well.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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