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The Girl Who Didn't Exist Part 4

Nevermore is still at the gas station, standing over the split skull of the unsuspecting gas station attendant. She looked at the blood spatter across her dress. Now what would she wear into town? Wearing a blood stained dress in public could spell disaster for her little plan. She looked around to see if this hole in the wall had any clothes hanging around.)

SASHA: (speaking from within) What did you do?

NEVERMORE: (gritting her teeth) What needed to be done.

SASHA: He didn’t do anything to you.

NEVERMORE: (bitterly) He lied. They ALL lie!

SASHA: (bewildered) You don’t know that! He may have never seen her before.

NEVERMORE: (shaking her head) You really are nieve, aren’t you?

Didn’t you hear the way the old man talked about HER?

How well known she was, how much money she had, how beautiful she was?

 That’s why he forced us into her clothes, did our hair like hers, painted our face to look like her!

He wanted us to be her! (lets out a morbid giggle)

It’s a shame he wasn’t more truthful. (circles the corpse)

 He really did have a nice face.

SASHA: (ashamed) That’s sick.

NEVERMORE: Oh shut up and help me find something to wear.

You never know who is going to walk in here.

SASHA: You could just lock the door.

NEVERMORE: (nodding) For once you make sense.

SASHA: And you’re supposed to be the master mind?

NEVERMORE: Shut up! (she spots a rack in the corner filled with T-shirts and sweatpants with the town logo on it.

(shakes her head). How tacky!

SASHA: At least it’s something to wear since you stained our dress.

(Nevermore rolls her eyes and starts looking for the bathroom. She found it behind the door marked EMPLOYEE’S ONLY. She took a chance opening the door since she is illiterate. Sign could have said EXPLOSIVES and she wouldn’t have known the difference. The bathroom was small, almost closet like. Nevermore found it hard to close the door behind her. There was a dirty toilet and a rusty sink. Above the sink was a cloudy mirror. It looked as if the glass had never been cleaned. She gazed into the mirror, at the blood stains on her face. Taking her hands, she spreads the blood across her cheeks and lips. Her eyes narrowed and began to harden, her breathing became shallow and rapid, underneath the blood, her face flushed bright pink. With a scream, Nevermore puts her fist through the glass, slicing her knuckles. Desperately, she scrubs at her face with sandpaper like paper towels trying to get the blood off, leaving angry red welts in the aftermath. )

NEVERMORE: (Shouting in a manic way) MONSTER!

 MONSTER!

MONSTER!

(Continues to scrub at her face until she felt the strength drain from her body. She collapses on the bathroom floor, sobbing in a mix of her own blood and the blood of the gas station attendant. The metallic taste touched her tongue and she fought to swallow it down.)

(A new voice emerges. This is Chloey. Chloey is the adult of the bunch, the mom-figure, if you will. She has come forward to gain control of the other personalities in hopes to better execute their plan. In reality, Chloey is a condescending bitch who does more harm than good. She is believed to be Sasha’s mother as Sasha sees her in her own psyche).

CHLOEY: Well, aren’t you a fine mess?

Get yourself up off of the floor and get changed

. I am so ashamed of you.

 Laying in a pool of blood, on a dirty bathroom floor!

Get up, I said!

(Nevermore/Chloey slowly got to her feet and stripped off the blood stained dress. She quietly washed her hands and face. The soap stung her knuckles and she jumped.)

CHLOEY: That’s more like it!

Good girl!

Now are you ready to return to work?

NEVERMORE: (staring into the broken mirror. She could see pieces of her reflection in the shattered glass. It looked very much like her soul, divided into many but only one could prevail. Nodding, her words and expression became methodical, almost robotic)

 I am ready. (Still staring at reflection).

I am sorry, Mother.

 I won’t fall apart again.

CHLOEY: (from inside) That’s a good girl.

 Now finish getting changed so we can get out of here

. Someone is going to need something from here soon.

 You don’t want to be here when they find the door locked

 and see that poor man slumped over the desk out there.

NEVERMORE: What about the shovel?

CHLOEY: Leave it be.

Remember, my dear, you don’t exist.

NEVERMORE: Because you abandoned me.

Left me under a streetlight without even so much as a name.

 Let that old bastard find me and torture me!

CHLOEY: I did no such thing.

You need to stop singing that song.

Your mother did that to you, Dear.

 I am simply here to guide you when you fall apart.

 Nothing more nothing less.

I didn’t abandon you, sweet Nevermore.

 I helped save you.

(Nevermore slipped back out to the front of the gas station. She took a rose from the flower bin near the register and laid it next to the body.)

NEVERMORE: I am sorry things had to end like this.

If you had only told me where to find HER,

perhaps we could have gone on a date.

(She unlocks the door and hastily exits the gas station, checking to make sure no one could see her leaving. Walking a bit quicker, Nevermore heads in the direction of town. Ravenspell had not seen anything like her before. They were all in for a major surprise.)

 

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

but you know what I'm going to say. This is a poetry workshop and these plays of yours, no matter how creative, are not poetry.
You've latched onto a particular way of writing, but your direction is not poetry. That doesn't mean I don't think you should take this road. This may be one of best ways of getting your chick on paper (not to mention your murder mystery).
BUT... I can't categorize this as even verso libre.
Now, since this is STORYTELLING in Verse, let me critique the tale.
You've told a reasonably organized piece with an exposition (solid), a complication (also solid), a climax (not as solid, but climaxes need not be Earth shaking to work) and a resolution (solid). All of the pieces in place. You went from point A to point Z and back to point A again. I will commend this.
The negative is not so negative. There is too much narrative to be a play. Storyline cannot be placed on stage through narrative unless the narrator is a character in the play. Someone must physically stand on stage and speak the lines of the narrator.
Take Ibsen's "Our Town" for example (Google it). The narrator literally narrated the story speaking narrative while occasionally interacting with characters in the play as he was a citizen of The Town. He would go back and forth between these "jobs"... being "in" the play and "narrating" the play. Think about it. What character could you create that could stand above the action and deliver the lines of narration while occasionally joining the action as a player?
The other point of view is this. You are writing "closet" drama and therefore from the beginning it is not intended for the stage which means narration works even though you are breaking the form at its core and producing something that is part narrative and part drama. Rules are meant to be broken and you break them more than most people.
Consider that also.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Not getting it...maybe because my mind has drifted into my not so great place the last few days...basically I should quit posting it here...I was doing it cuz everyone seemed to enjoy it. It is sick and twisted. It Needs Work but I can always do that when I get it all together...you haven't really seen the climax....nothing I write is ever the way people want it..so many rules. ..I was always told I was a good writer...I don't know...I get that it's not poetry...just not sure what I should do with it from this point on...

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

There's nothing wrong with the play, it simply doesn't meet the criteria of the workshop. Good writing is good writing. I encourage it in all its forms. Don't stop producing. I will be keeping the shop open for a few more days (we've pretty much exhausted it), so feel free to post your "prose" drama here just for the fun of it. And yes, everyone will always want something different. That's called variety and is not a bad thing. It drives us to try new things.
You found a form that you like to write in. Explore it without apology. Certainly not to me.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

found a new playground for prose. I am simply not a poet. There are too many rules and too much structure that goes into making it "good." For those who wish to follow this, I will be happy to give them the link to my new page. I will still be popping in here from time to time to write the occasional blurb and read others new material. :)

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

my "blurb" on the main thread.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

There's no reason to become discouraged. There is a thin line between plain prose and free verse. Crossing from prose to free verse doesn't require rhyming and very little in the way of structure. Just try a bit of alliteration and maybe drop in a rhyme here and there, doesn't even have to be end line rhyme. Then give a few more details to enhance imagery. Suddenly you will have crossed over from prose to free verse or at least poetic prose. And either one should satisfy the criteria set forth for this shop...........stan PS holler if you want some help. This play is too intriguing to just leave it as is.

I would very much like some help. I have made some significant changes to put it in script form on the other site. I would also like the opinions from my friends on here on that as well. I have the chance to put it in ebook format when all is said and done so the more help to make it better would be great.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Im not that great at free verse but I'll PM you some parts rewritten to give you some ideas on how it can easily be done. You can then use the ideas to make what changes you deem fit.......... As to putting it in prose, that's just a fancy way of saying use normal speech.....stan Ps will likely be Sun morn

Will look forward to reading it.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

He gives good advice.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Don't be discouraged. I still enjoy this piece. Listen to Stan and you'll get a free verse. Its not that bad. Can't have you feel that way. Digit needs Nevermore like he needs Killer. Remember our deal, dear friend? My hunters and your team of 3 in the next workshop? We need to prepare.

Alid

Looking forward to our collaboration

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

waiting for Stan's green light.

Alid

Don't be discouraged. I still enjoy this piece. Listen to Stan and you'll get a free verse. Its not that bad. Can't have you feel that way. Digit needs Nevermore like he needs Killer. Remember our deal, dear friend? My hunters and your team of 3 in the next workshop? We need to prepare.

Alid

to do the collaborative workshop and will start shortly after dramatic verse is done unless there is another shop in the works. In that case I will wait.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Forward to it...I am glad to see this has such a following...please check out the script form http://www.booksie.com/mystery_and_crime/script/raven_quill_steeleheart/... be interested in your opinion

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

once it starts, I'll PM Jess. Let's see how what we can do with this heroes and villains workshop. I'm sooo excited.

Alid

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