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Ray

Old friends after all these years.
Time lost, draws us near.
Like precious stones, from years past,
You lost your memory, your stones were cast.

Heaven didn't need you, on that grueling day,
When your truck veered astray.

Our path was broken, you wanted to remember,
To repair that which had been splintered.
I reminded you of each stone, how precious they were,
Like alabaster and myrrh.

One word you uttered, you called me "kid,"
A nick name I so adored, not forgotten nor forbid.
It was the most special stone to be consoled,
That which was a part of your inner soul.

We will stand together in life's renew.
Our friendship so close is because of you.
Love will abide, take it all in stride.
I am your "North- Star,"
Let my light shine within you, where ever you go,
Near or far.

Editing stage: 

Comments

You have expressed the friendship bond so beautifully here. I liked the way you have used the stones to express the sentiments of preciousness and purity. It is a very touching, vivid and moving poem.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thank you, raj...it's actually a true event which made it flow easily but still simple. Even though the only memories he has of me are from me our new relationship is very special.

author comment

I had a vague feeling that this poem was based on a true event as you have now confirmed. The beauty of the poem is in its simplicity and the flow is like a cool gentle breeze. It is good to know that these friendship bonds have sustained and I wish they continue to do so for both of you.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thank you, actually my friend is very sick, on dialysis, colostomy so this is the main reason for the poem now.
He has thanked me for giving him these memories back, including a part of his military career. My definition of a friend is, someone who knows all about you and loves you the same. If you have a friend like this then you are truly blessed.

author comment

you are spot on about the definition. Wishing your true friend a speedy recovery and good health. Have you shown this poem to him yet? it would surely be very heart warming for him I think..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

kid...yes still
lovely memory.
ala poetry

Thank you, it amazed me that with his memory loss that something deep down in his soul still knew me out of the wreckage of misfortune.

author comment

and I concur, so I will offer my first "technical" suggestion for your poetry. As with everything given here by anyone it is for you to take or leave.
This is my perspective on punctuation. Many poets refuse to use punctuation as though it were a fad to eschew it. It is sometimes thought that if the poet writes well enough the words alone should suffice.
Perhaps.
I disagree.
When I write I use every tool at my disposal. Punctuation, careful uses of grammar and syntax... even when I abuse them I do so deliberately. Everything serves my one purpose- to write something that moves and fascinates a reader.
In your poem I occasionally became confused because I was unsure where a sentence ended and another began (this was seldom, but I make a point). Punctuation is a tool (like a rhyming dictionary or thesaurus) that helps the poet express him/herself.
I liked the poem and having learned more of its history like it more.
Consider my suggestion as a possibility.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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Thank you Westly, I am glad you liked the poem and I shall take your advice for a smile.

author comment

I hope this revision pleases you Wesley, thank you for your advice..... you are a good critiquer.

author comment

I like your poem as well but feel there is
still room for improvement. I see no need
for the spacing between the lines, if you are
going to use spacing (and I do recommend
using it), use it to enhance a stop or pause
in a reading (out loud). Read your poem out
loud, find the stops and pauses you wish to
portray and indicate those with punctuation
and spacing.

The other thing I noticed was a few key words
were used more than once, it's best to attempt
that from happening or at least not in the next
sentence, look back at your poem and see if
there is anything you could change yet keep the
same meaning.

love the story behind this poem,

Richard

Thank you Richard, That's my biggest problem is the best
way to lay it out but your advice is much appreciated.

author comment

Edit is not working correctly, as you can see,waiting for Westley for help. (Update) seems the problem has been fixed. Copy and paste was obviously the problem, so I had to hand type the entire poem and wa la .

author comment

So you figured it out, no need to contact the
technical team?

Are you happy with the layout, does it look
better, does it now indicate your read aloud?

Don't stop asking for help until the problem is solved. Someone around here can get it to work sooner or later.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Yes, I tried copy and paste and I was editing the lower half of the poem but after deleting the whole thing and hand typing it, seems to have worked fine, I followed your advice in rhyme, I hope you like it better now.

author comment

A very moving poem, a tribute to a good friend. Love Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Thank You Roscoe.

author comment

but I like the rhyme. Don't stop producing new works. You have a ready audience.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Thanks Wesley.

author comment
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