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The Girl Who Didn't Exist: DRAMATIC VERSE WS

(In the early morning hours, Sasha emerges from her captor’s home/prison. This was several days after one of her alter-egos reared its ugly head and ended the immediate hell they were facing. She had spent those last few days in the house watching the body of her kidnapper rot in a mess of his own dried blood until she could take it no more. “Rescued” as an infant and held in a single locked room, with no one else around but herself and the old man who had taken her, this was her first exposure to the outside world. It had been twenty years since she was left underneath the old street light, where her torment began. She had been taunted, tortured, physically/sexually/emotionally abused in ways only our nightmares could make us understand. The old man, he would never tell her his name for fear she may escape and tell the authorities, would dress her in his former lover’s clothing and makeup, then raped her in the very bed he and his girlfriend used to make love in.  Sasha had cleaned herself up, first time she had taken a shower without him watching, dressed in the very clothes she hated as those were the only ones available and stepped out onto the lopsided front porch for the first time, addressing her first impressions of the world she had been hidden from out loud.)  

SASHA:           Freedom was nothing like I imagined

                          took me days to find the courage to leave.

                         Watched his body rot ‘til the stink drove me out,

                         the sun it burned my eyes.

 

 SASHA:            I was a vampire, figuratively speaking,

                          had barely seen the light.

 

NEVERMORE: Until I kicked your weak ass out of the way

 

SASHA:            Will you hush, this isn’t your story to tell!

 

SASHA:            Made my way into town, so many unfamiliar faces.

                          The one face I knew, I didn’t know where to find.

 

NEVERMORE: I told you just to ask

 

SASHA:            Shut up, you did not! You pain in the ass.

 

SASHA:             I brought the picture from the house,

                          had to finish what he started.

                          For twenty years, I suffered in her name

,

NEVERMORE: And in her clothes, and in her makeup, and in her bed…

 

SASHA:        Enough already, no one was talking to you!

 

NEVERMORE: Why don’t you let me take over

                         Your story is lame

                         Skip to the good parts

                        Where I wouldn’t let you die in vain 

 

SASHA:     I didn’t ask for you, you just appeared!

                   No one told you to save me!

                   No one told you my life was to be spared!

                   Now will you just get out of my head!

 

NEVERMORE:  Oh, Sasha, you really are a drag,

                         why don’t you tell them

                         how things got started.

                        Tell them how I ended things

                        with the now dearly departed?

 

SASHA:     Oh go on if you must,

                   I must look ridiculous arguing with myself.

                   You took the knife from his hand

                   Stabbed him in the gut

                   Not once, not twice

                   But OVER and OVER AGAIN!

 

NEVERMORE:  Ah yes, the blood it spattered

                          Sprayed against the wall and the dressers

                         His screams stifled by the gurgles

                        Such pleasure we received

                        Watching him writhe in pain (giggles)

 

SASHA:   I had every advantage

                no birth certificate, no prints on file.

               I had been a prisoner

               kept from the world.

             Other than the old man,

             I had never spoken to another.

 

            He called me Sasha,

           but was that really my name? .

           No identity to speak of,

           The evidence was moot

 (dramatic sigh)

         And so I sought her out,

         that selfish bitch.

 

NEVERMORE: Vowed to make her suffer

 

SASHA: Just like we did.

              Now if I could only find

             Where in the hell she hid.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
All, please see revisions, still playing with this Advanced Format
Editing stage: 

Comments

how glad I am to know
that Snowman has cared to bring
so many so close

I will yield to each one of you
as I read your lovely verse
hark!
upon burning coal I traverse
as I digest all yours
verse by verse.

Charming poetry yours

Loved

Thank you. I am glad you read and approved.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

I liked the drama played out by the two characters. However, if someone doesn't read the prelude to this, I feel it would be difficult for them to know about the background of "her" as the one who was made to look like a girl by "him". That's my perspective. I think one can put up a link at the top of the poem so that the readers can first get to the prelude to understand the background and characters.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

but I would prefer you clarify the voices here and not send us elsewhere.
This works as dramatic verse. Two voices even if the same person. On stage I would likely have two actors dressed alike playing the two parts.
I would have liked to see the voices "titled" though. The name of each character above their next line, but that of course is not necessary. The problem is simply that it does not "look" like a script.
Congratulations on figuring out AF.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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This looks like the middle of a story instead of a beginning. Dramatic wise, no problem there, but I got confused with the voices. Who is who? What really happen that led to this? Sorry kinda confused here.

Alid

Now this makes more sense. Thank you for sharing.

Alid

This is new to me, writing in script form so I wasn't sure how it was supposed to look or sound. Thank you for your suggestions as well as the others. I thought this looked much better as well. I have to work on the monologue some but now I can move forward with the play :)

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

I'll be back when I'm feeling better to give you the best critique. Not the gibbering I been giving last night.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I think this looks better and is less confusing then the original post. This is a very new style for me and I know I took a difficult approach putting 2 voices into one person...there are more than 2 voices but we will see the next one later on in the play. I have to say this is more fun than trying to come up with the perfectly structured poem.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Clearly separated, the voices come through. It matters not that they are the same "person" for they are different voices.
Much better.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Read part 2 when you have a free moment. .I have put alot of thought into this

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

The dual personality thing is pretty good. I'd never have thought of it but stan might have lol. This Does read like a play but for some reason I fail to see much poetic about it. But then I expected a bit more poetic devices since I usually use them a lot. Gonna be interesting to see where this goes.......scribbler....stan----scribbler?

I am messing around a bit with the dual personality. Meter has never been a strong point for me. .I fail on all levels but if I can give you a good script to read, I guess I at least accomplished something. I am very much involved with my character and hoping to do more with this. Stay tuned.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

"failed" in no level. Indeed this reads as good poetic prose in my opinion. It has good imagery ans even some assonance here and there........stan

I am glad you are enjoying this. I hold your opinion and critique in high regard and am glad that this works for you. I am terrible with meter and strict structure, so poetic prose works for me. Perhaps I should work on scripts more often. :)

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

The mixture of the two personalities is good, and Nevermore must become the dominant one, if ole softy gets the lead then the story will go to sleep.
I tried in my piece to let Grampy lose his rag and start off to go out and do some bad things, but the silly man fell over, spent a few days in hospital and then managed to get himself killed by his grandson.
I know the characters in your story, so can follow what is going on, others may not be able to see the whole thing.
Take care little one, little one, little one, have a great evening, Yours Ian.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

The monologue introduces the characters slowly. The second and third voice are coming out now. Stay tuned....

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

This is borderline prose. I hate to use the "m" word around you, but a little more poetic rhythm would have helped this immensely. It reads too much like a straight script than poetry. I wouldn't try to fix this though as that would mean tearing it down completely and I think your time is better spent writing anew and focusing on a little... um... meter.
You mentioned a part two, so I will go search it out.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

You know I suck at it...at least I have introduced an interesting concept w the multiple personalities and it may turn out to be a damn good script.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

I'm still under the weather been taken powerful meds to sleep pass the nightmares. I'm here though.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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