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A Look At Life

The long shadows engulfed the world
as the night arrived, accompanied
by the Lady Moon and her glittering stars.

In the silence, I looked at the fabric of my life,
moments that have shaped my identity,
a journey riddled with long and short trials
testing me until I bloomed in maturity.

I saw past follies when I was young and naive,
thinking that I could face the world on my own,
only to learn despair waiting at a corner
mocking me with his crazed laughter.

I witnessed again my triumphs against hardships
with the strength of a family's love
which have spun miracles in reality.
Their hopes have lifted me to heights
I have never dreamt to achieve

I felt the reign of my self-doubts,
halting me in my ascension
and caused me to fall in disgrace
with my pride flowing as waste.

I heard my parents' soothing words
and my sisters' cheer as I rose again.
Blessed by their prayers and their belief,
I have been born again.

As I closed my eyes tonight,
I embraced joy and relief,
knowing that if my life ends here
i will never regret the years
I have lived.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

A nice piece of nostalgic writing here! A reflection of harsh lessons learnt and a deepening appreciation for family love and support. ( Title is just right too ). This one feels like a free write with a few rhyming stanza's - unusal but quite effective!

Remembering that I am no expert - I think you have a couple of grammatical ajustments to make - so I've taken the liberty of going through your poem and making the adjustments.

( so that it's all in the same tense - assuming I havent got it wrong ).

I have highlighted the adjustments in inverted commas - ( please ignore if you don't think they are right )

Perhaps having another opinion other than mine would be of help!

Anyway - nice poem full of lessons learnt. xxxx :)

Love Mand xxx

Long shadows engulfed the world
as the night arrived, accompanied
by the Lady Moon and her glittering stars.

In the silence, I looked at the fabric of my life,
moments that have shaped my identity,
a journey riddled with long and short trials
testing me until I bloomed in maturity.

“I saw past follies from when I was young and naïve”
thinking that “I could” face the world on my own,
only to learn despair waiting at a corner
mocking me with his crazed laughter.

I witnessed again my triumphs against hardships
with the strength of a family's love
which have spun miracles in reality.
Their hopes have lifted me to heights
I have never dreamt to achieve

“I felt the defeat of my own self-doubts”
halting me in my ascension,
causing me to fall in disgrace
with my pride flowing as waste.

I heard my “parent's" soothing words
and my sisters' cheer as I “rose” again.
Blessed by their prayers and their belief,
I have been born again.

As I closed my eyes tonight,
I embraced joy and relief,
knowing that if my life ends here
I will never regret the years
I have lived.

Thank you for the feedback and corrections. Appreciated it very much.

Alid

author comment

Glad to be of assitance! :)

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