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Our Song
If it were in my talents to write a song
the heart of its theme would be you
you are always reminding me
abstain from the melody,
concentrate on the lyrics
they carry your feelings
it is the words you say
you are always speaking to my heart
they do more than that
they have always captured my soul
i want a language in which
only you and I ever share
one that would envelop you in a refuge
that my heart could care evermore for
whose medley would be a perpetual
smile in my existence
a constant consciousness that brings
to your attention, the love I bear for only you.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Lonnie
Sun, 2014-09-07 17:40
Very interesting, Sheba!
Do you plan to put it to music, or has that already been done? Just wondering, as I think it might really make a good tune!
Sheba
Sun, 2014-09-07 18:41
This was just a fun night
This was just a fun night listening to music and I do like (love songs) but the inspiration came from a Don Williams song," When i'm with You.." BTW.... this was my first poem. Perhaps I am better at writing songs than poems. ?
raj
Tue, 2014-09-09 01:48
Sheba
I concur with comment of Lonnie and could sense the purity of love. If I may say, a song of unconditional love.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Sheba
Tue, 2014-09-09 22:52
Are you categorizing this
Are you categorizing this poem as prose? When I was a teenager I started a poem as I thought poems had to rhyme in those days........
Over the rainbow and clouds so high
two lost lovers look down and sigh.
tears once shed in sorrow
have suddenly been replaced,
by cupids arrow.
I am not sure yet which style I prefer, but I have much learning to do for more complicated poetry..
raj
Wed, 2014-09-10 00:22
No Sheba, I never did even
No Sheba, I never did even suggest that I thought it to be prose. Pardon me if anything I said may have given you that feeling. I even liked the simplistic nature of your poems which is in sync with unconditional love...even the poetry you have shared above made during your teenage days (sweet sixteen?) fits that bill...will look forward to read more of your posts...
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
weirdelf
Tue, 2014-09-09 07:41
It is tremendously courageous
to attempt love poetry. As with songs it is the most popular topic and very hard to be original.
You have a very forthright voice in this which avoids overt sentimentality and gushiness. I particularly like the lines
you are always reminding me
abstain from the melody,
concentrate on the lyrics
although I question their wisdom. I regard myself as a rationalist but there would be no music if everything could be expressed in words. Lovely word-crafting, I'm afraid I have nothing to suggest.
I'm very much looking forward to more of your posts.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Sheba
Tue, 2014-09-09 23:07
Thanks Jess, I am just having
Thanks Jess, I am just having fun with poetry. I am not sure what you are looking for... in bringing out in me. What are your thoughts? Thus far my poems have been simple themes.
wesley snow
Thu, 2014-09-11 16:22
Ah, what to suggest?
I say keep your eyes open for the next (reasonable) workshop and join it. The workshops challenge and teach allowing you the opportunity to interact with a large number of the lunati... um poets here.
I say "reasonable" because the very next workshop I will teach will be experimental in nature and rather off the beaten track... although you are welcome there as well.
As for this poem, I don't much care for most free verse which I would categorize this as and much prefer the traditional forms, but that's just me. Not knowing what you intended let me say that you seem to have an instinctive sense of meter in your poetry. This poem works because its rhythm is consistent and flows from point A to point Z without fighting itself.
Poetry of course needn't rhyme, but I do so love my rhyme and always encourage it in others.
Now go out and critique a poem. Beginner or advanced you have a good ear for what sounds right and may point it out to someone else. Don't fear to give your opinion forthrightly. You will be appreciated.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
weirdelf
Fri, 2014-09-12 23:31
Ditto to Wesley's response
also perhaps read more poetry, to extend your range, and especially try to offer critique to other poets here, which helps improve self-critique.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry