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Me in Me

Why does the evening hurt so,
is it when you are not here?
Let me open my own mind.
Drop off my window sill,
let me see that land below.

I dribbled the words as I saw you fall,
it was all pretence, though felt real.
Where to next my imagination?
Will you guide me to places?
Get hold of your thoughts in there.

You loved her so, that you shivered,
then you had to leave her there.
Why imagine when it’s real.
Let me regain my ways for a while,
they have been lost without your smile.

The years have been good to me,
yet I carry her there as a new day.
I wish that I could be free and play.
Play those games of this now,
I tarry in a love held for always.

Today is another day, you always say,
let go of all those memories.
They are without form just an image.
To hell with this now I am happy as is,
move out of my view let me see.

You didn’t fall it was in your mind,
a way out for us too break the bond.
This has held us in its grip to long.
Cease your burbling just leave me alone,
I am alright, I won’t hit the ground.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
That damn hurt, now I am free. This is a talk between Me and Me, As Wesley said it is sad and the outcome is perpetual quiet. The quiet of someone that decides to join a lost love some place. But it is still Fiction no person living or dead were injured during the making of this piece, Yours as always Ian.T
Editing stage: 

Comments

From the way I read it, it is a soliloquy and a nice one to address the internal turmoil about the right and wrong, again if i have read this right. Just wish to know if in L2S2 if you would prefer to use "pretense" instead of "pretend" and it appears that through oversight you have written "to" instead of "too" in L3S6. I enjoyed reading and the beginning as well as ending too..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thank you for your visit and recommends, the word pretend or pretence are both OK, just an age thing about the TOO! lol, Good to have critique, and it is most welcome,
Yours as always, Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

You didn't say if I read it correctly or horribly wrong lol. Would be glad to know that..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I think that you are right in your thoughts.
But I think that the last stanza is where he actually falls off of the window in real terms, he spent a while talking to himself trying to figure out Life.
We all do this at some time but it was too much for him the memory of what he had lost took him, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

I have read your poems a couple of times "to me" it reads that you are talking to someone who has died - the ghost of a lost loved one who you are strugglng to let go of! I'm probably way off the mark!

This poem is certainly thought provoking!

Thanks for sharing!

Love Mand xxxx

Great to see you here.
I think if you read my answer to raj that he was talking to himself and decided to end his ways, I wonder what happened when he hit the real ground ???
Thanks again just me talking in riddles again,
Yours Ian x

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

There is an intriguing mix of deadly serious pain and delightful whimsy, a a courageous mix.

I don't understand the change of tense from 'I' to 'you" in stanza 3-
"You loved her so, that you shivered,
then you had to leave her there."

Maybe it it just enhances the sense of strangeness in a strange, painful, delightful world.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

A mix of thoughts within ones self a recognition of a lost love never to be regained then a dream shattered to the final fall.
Thank you my dear friend for your read and crit, I changed one word for raj and added a o to to.
I write very fast and sometimes the thoughts are smudged, as you know I ramble.
Hope you are OK young man, and that the children are behaving themselves lol.
Yours as always, Ian

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

"i wont fall, i will use the wings i have grown" but only because it rhymes with alone..
the ending of any story i loved.....the pause...the audience asleep or rapt..
the closing of the book etc....

i love the punctuation.....now im into it....go figure...
always known about it but appreciate it...
love it here Ian..

a great thought maker..and i like how you
at the end become the agitated narrator
how we age and do become cranky
i was as this as a child
and still am

not a great character issue for me
but everyone has aspects
that are good and otherwise..

it makes it very human
the contacts we make
and what we remember
now....

the wonderment never
ceases
and pondering

that remains fresh and vivid

thank you!

I look from the window
as she pours the coffee
Just the sound plants thoughts
Then the vision of the street out there
Fades into purity.

Dream on young Wolf
there is an open door for you.
I wonder why you are afraid
to commit your ways to another.
They will cherish your thoughts
As the great weaver in the sky
inter weaves two souls.

Let me know of her
She walks this plain
is hungry for a like soul,
there glances of intrigue
grasped at another soul
touching to give life
Yet having to wait

There is only the now
Here all our yesterdays fade
The new thoughts are divided
Then why do you still sit there
The coffee will be the same
Best fetch another cup
It is time to be one..
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

or the singular hustler of need...ego so fine tuned
for self....and all the rest of the crap.....
at night i hear the wires in the wet grounding out
sizzling and thats probably true of the inner core
built so long ago......or created..the mix of genes
not anyones fault.....but it is a result.....

i write highly of the self without examples of selfless
acts....there is a selfishness and childishness
that i cling too.....i abhor the whole idea but its true
maturity was not one of my better points at all..
still whatever other peices left inside that i probably
left along thinking they were worthless im dragging
out now like a lawn sale....only comperable that
comes to mind....a hodgpodge of things

which makes me interesting....only after giving
up on trying to be this fake made up person for
years and years..but thats all i knew..
a scarecrow....im so cheap
or not...

met someone im studying lately
basic and bright...no other way to look
at them...

i can be no ones....one....way way too
much baggage and issues..
everyone agrees...
and i dont need saving
im just trying to get sense out
of what i cant make sense on
my own..

i think im just fighting everything
and trying to appear and feel that
i dont care.....but i do..

and intense way to be
i certianly dont have a clue
as to what it is i want

i can relate.....the grittiness
the thorns....
jocular....i liked that word
but im mean
with the cruelties..it was what
we all learned around the kitchen
table....pass the potatoes
we love you and then the interogation
with words
over television
and good night
and all that...

bitter shall never be truly sweet
but a likeable combination
that many have a taste for

odd

i just wrote that

i like it..

thanks ian
i will continue to
write these

Another day, thanks for your reply, I think you said it all in:-

met someone I'm studying lately
basic and bright...no other way to look
at them...

I can be no ones....one....way, way, too
much baggage and issues..
everyone agrees...

You should only listen to your own thoughts and never agree with others that make an opinion of you.
Good to know that your eyes and senses are still working OK, just have to be rid of that self downgrading from tittle tat,
Take care and know that we can stand with you,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

I have commenced
reading epics now
some how

as my throat remains strangled
at posting just one

so now I spend more time
on Ian yours
you are a cynosure

but one doubt remains
do you ramble
or I much more

but in speed
notwithstanding your monumental ability
still I will beat thee Ian
take it from me

A challenge you will lose ...
Don't accept it
if you can choose...

But as Jess I misunderstood the change to you from I.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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This is fiction but with a little of life thrown in there to make it a study.
It as the title implies a talk between the two me's, just something that arrived from the tip of my pen.
I would love to be asked to write about a subject so that I can put the facts of writing poetry down.
I sit here in the late evening commenting on the days output and sometimes I have time to write a piece of new words, also in the morning, I sometimes am up earlier and spend an hour or so on the comp, I then have time to write something new.
I do a lot of auto writing even when replying to comment or making them.
If only my output was channelled into a classic mode or whatever, some of the long pieces I have written rarely take long.
As you ran a workshop before on epics I still have two to finish editing, the one on Cata, and the one on transportation to the colonies.
I have many things to do so I usually end up not completing any, but that's life.
My main concern is what happens to my work should I leave this Plain, who would want it, I have a web page - yenti.co.uk - where I am gradually putting all my work on, there is up to 3000 pieces there that need attention , I guess most of us are the same place.
I am in 48 books but those are the only pieces that are permanent as books are registered and kept.
It is late so I am behind on my work again, you take care and great to talk to you,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

they say loved critique.... critique.... that's what neopoet is all about...
find fault no not to show down
nor frown
but let others know
read you must

I shudder but
do add another
o
to
to
to make it
too....

right or wrong?

Apart from commenting that the poem exudes an aura of nostalgia, I wouldn't like dissect or trisect it. When you can read a piece and just feel it without trying to put meaning to it, that poem has succeeded in doing what poetry is supposed to do - make one feel that intangible, undefinable feeling (I used the word "feeling" for want of a better word - a word that has the lightness of a butterfly's wings). This is what this poem does to me and that's what I look for in a poem.

I love these two lines but they are not the only ones I love:

Let me regain my ways for a while,
they have been lost without your smile.

Thank you for this.

Cheers

Leonard Daranjo

"When the waiting stops, the living begins"

I am sorry I missed your reply and comment, thank you for your words and that you feel the poem as apposed to just a load of words on paper or VDU now.
I write most times very quickly and some place there must be someone guiding the pen, Thanks again Take care out there, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

me in me

while u should compose
me in she
hahahhha Ian

Thank you so much darling for your beautiful reply,
it brought a tear to ? too this old eye.
I had read it late into the night,
I didn't want to ? too give you a fright
So by the next day,
the memory had gone away
But to ? too day I can come out to ? too play
La, La, hey, Hey!!!

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Scotland will stay
they say
also we all may
be as of yesterday
THE BARD
HERE ///hear...
SIR!

No matter who or what or how many referendums there are you will remain that Bard of no real fixed abode, as if you are floating way up in the ether.
I shall have your Tea ready when you call as where I go there is no time at all, Yours Ian.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

keep hot water ready in space
as global warming here keeps pace
they will pack my brand of tea
you may share in space
but it's too vast a place

in the universe no venturing God
can keep trace

let's thus on earth embrace
ere our footfalls don't keep pace
we may land in sheer disgrace
at eternities hollow empty trace
if we can't without seeing here
each other trace
we may be considered as two poets
far out of place
trying to futilely embrace

let's together on Neo
as long as we can go
keep bound our shoe lace.
then we may party
face to face!
.

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