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Unbroken
From the vileness of a woman's heart,
treachery shows its face again,
threatening to tear my soul apart
when kindness begets pain
Alas, heartbreak has been my old friend
whom I've embraced as a challenge
I won't deny the sting of its bite
but with a stubborn will, I remain,
unbroken.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
lovedly
Thu, 2014-08-21 12:57
nice short and sweet only I read
do u know what Jess said?????
let a guy
on undisclosed lie
as in lay
and
you know why ////ask him why
but i pulled u out
so be happy
glad some one has read thee
alidzain
Thu, 2014-08-21 14:11
sorry
but I didn't understand what Jess said has to do with my write. Anyway, this is just me trying to write how I wanted
to survive a breakup and writing short poems again. Of late my poems which are not japanese styled have become long. if poetry is about saying less but feeling and showing more, then I have failed. .thanks for the visit and the comment.
Alid
lovedly
Thu, 2014-08-21 15:10
i simply pulled this out
early from the undiscovered list
friend don't get worked up
its you and ur lovely poetry
now so many read
mand
Thu, 2014-08-21 14:56
Hi there Alid!
Affairs of the heart can be torturous and treacherous, this poem says alot about you though! Many would avoid any further relationships in fear of being hurt. But you resolutly face the treachery, seeing it as an "old friend who you have embraced as a challenge". showing great forbearance and fortitude despite the pain of heart.
I think the title is just right.
I like the ending - I was going to suggest substituting "stubborn" with iron - but after reading it several times I think stubborn is better - it evokes that human factor!
All in all I like the clarity and forthrightness of this poem - and if this is a reflection of you then - hats off to a very nice person!
Love Mand xxxxx
alidzain
Thu, 2014-08-21 15:42
But Mand
I didn't say treachery is my friend. It's heartbreak. It's the pain, the result of the treachery Its facing that pain is the challenge. Sadly, this poem is not about me. Its how I WISH I could be when I face treachery.As in how I want to face breakups. Can't say I have had any serious relationship, so I don't really know how the "sting" really feels. lol. Here's the thing, sometimes I am just an actor in my own love poem. It hasn't happen yet but you are right if you think that I get the idea from other people's reaction when they face breakups.
There are some of my poetry which did tell about my past. One is entitled "Yesterday", "I Am Me" is about my thoughts on my relationship with my siblings, Do check on them wen you can.
Thanks for the visit and the comments, my dear friend.
Alid
mand
Fri, 2014-08-22 04:36
Sorry Alid!
Quite right - heartbreak puts a whole different meaning on it! Brain "as usual" is in a fuddle!
Love Mand xxxx
alidzain
Fri, 2014-08-22 05:17
It's alright, Mand
You take care, dear. I myself have some rough time of late. The doc is asking me to get a "pacer". I'm born with irregular heartbeat which made me unable to participate in most sports. I used to faint after running a few minutes that I was exempted from physical education in school. Right now I'm thinking of getting the "pacer" and struggling a bit to have enough money to get it. My family aren't well-off, Mand but you know what they say, "Health is more.important than money". Can't look after mum if I can't look after myself.
Know that you and the people here are always in my mind and my prayers.
Love
Alid
mand
Fri, 2014-08-22 05:23
OMG!
Soo sorry to hear that Alid! If you don't mind me asking - how much does it cost ot have a pacer?
alidzain
Fri, 2014-08-22 05:59
to get it
you need to be operated on and I believe you need to return for check ups to make sure its okay. The operation itself, will cost a bomb. For some reason, the doc didn't really want to tell me the exact cost. He talked to my sis. I guess he did not want to shock me. The last time I had a real shock is when mum is warded, it was so bad that I collapse and has to be warded myself. The cost of the pacemaker itself is about $450. the operation will be more. Its okay, I'm receiving help here but I still need to do something too. Thinking of gathering at least $3000 on my own. normally the patients have double heartbeats, mine can reach to triple.very irregular.
Alid
mand
Fri, 2014-08-22 12:25
I'd like to help! if there
I'd like to help! if there is anything I can do let me know!
alidzain
Fri, 2014-08-22 12:58
Nice of you to want to help, Mand
but for now I can still manage. Just pray for me, okay.
Alid
mand
Sat, 2014-08-23 05:14
:) you are brave! xxx
:) you are brave! xxx
Rula
Thu, 2014-08-21 16:58
Salam Khalid
This is awesomely sad, BUT the ending reflects both, a powerful determined heart and a poet's talent as well.
Nothing to suggest on this one.
Still want to hear good news. All women are NOT the same. :)
And after reading your comment to Mandy about thinking on how you should react if this happened to you, I wanted to remind you that as Muslimes we should be somehow optimistic.
I mean, why should we expect the worse while it is not yet there?
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
alidzain
Thu, 2014-08-21 16:37
Salaam, Rula
yes, Rula. I know that is what we muslims should do. it is for that reason that i write this type of poem to remind myself about it. You see, there are times when I forget about it and I became very stressed out due to my own weakness. I like to read my past poems to be reminded of it again. sort of a pre-advice before it happens. the iman in our hearts differ and I fear that mine is not that strong. I know what a muslim must do but doing it, now, that's the hard part especially when I am tested n matters of patience. Its sooo hard for someone with a temper like mine.lol. Oh dear I shouldn't complain. There are other people with far worse problem. I know that but I forget again and again.sigh. see, how weak I am?
Alid
Rula
Thu, 2014-08-21 16:57
This is totally
humane Khalid.
Don't worry, We are here all ears to hear whatever you want to say.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
lovedly
Fri, 2014-08-22 13:09
read my
SHE
u will like it
Ian.T
Sat, 2014-08-23 19:11
Alid
I write and some of my pieces are about fictitious things, but some of the poets thing they are real, must be the way I write lol.
You have to sort out your health problem first, who will look after your Mother if you are ill.
It is sad that you don't live here you would be able to have the op with no problems and your Mother would be helped why you were absent.
But you live in Singers, so is there anything that we can do for you from here.
Mand asked the same thing so we will wait for you to answer.
Take care young man and know we are thinking of you,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
alidzain
Sat, 2014-08-23 20:24
Ian
So far, everything here is still manageable with the help and support from family, relatives, friends and the government aid. Thanks for your concern. I'm still fine. Its just another one of those hiccups in my life but really, you don't have to worry. You'll know I'm in trouble when I disappear from here for quite some time without saying anything before hand.
Alid