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So Long (Warning Sad)

Submitted by Shyanne18 on Tue, 2013-09-10 07:46

My world spinning
The air is thinning
I gasp with no relief
Where peace has gone
I have not heard
Life's race is more then I can take

My cathedral crumbling
My god let me down
Religion has lost its touch
My life now bears a frown
My rosary said for no one
When pain comes and
Joy ends
Struggling just breathe in

I have to go
But cannot leave
Innocence mutilated
It never said good bye
I greeted fear
And it clung to my back
I want to drift away
Sail,
Where grace is born

The angels do not sing,
The roses do not bloom,
Sunset melts,
Childhood lost,
And the horizon gone black
I raise my glass in a toast
Celebrate and
Forgive me most

Gripping hope
Peaceful sleep
Again and again
Swallow and breathe in
Over and done
I reach the bottom
My empty hand

With eyelids heavy
Fall to my pillow
Ready to let go
Of this celluloid soul
Pain released
And left behind me
Regret fills my cup

So complex
My choices a domino effect
I never said so long
Miss me when I am gone
In the sweet
Sing my song
Burry my body
Send me off right
So young am I
Too short a life

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
This was something i have been working on for months. I touch on a lot of problems in my life in this piece. I always seem to be able to add to it. I want this sad work to be finished. So this poem can be laid to rest and I can let go of some of my shadows.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

Race_9togo

Wed, 2013-09-11 18:53

Race_9togo's picture
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I must open by saying, first of all, I seldom comment on poem's whose authors do not want the raw truth. This site is about becoming a better poet, and ego should be left at the proverbial door, when entering here. Secondly, we read a great deal of this kind of poetry here at Neopoet, and after a while it gets kind of stale, reading the same kind of stuff again, and again.
But not this piece. I find this to be the work of someone far beyond eighteen years old, which, I assume from your name, you are.
The imagery is very good, and the cadence is excellent, except for a few places. Try doing a syllable count of each line, to find out which ones don't fit, and need re-writing. Consider changing some words here and there as well, to soften their beginnings, and thus make the rhythm smoother. Also,"burry" should be "bury", I think.

You have taken a very well-worn subject that most teenagers cover, and made a piece of poetry good enough for me to respond to. I know that seems egotistical on my part, but I really do enjoy this poem. I can relate very much, as most of us oldsters would, if we bothered to remember who and what we were, at eighteen.

I see from your profile that you have Aspberger's. It runs in my family as well, my oldest son, and myself, which perhaps explains a bit of why I like this piece so much.

Yet even without this, this poem stands up very, very well. As for adding to it, may I suggest that you not do that, and instead begin another poem? Like a painting, a good poem needs to have an ending, or it risks becoming wandering, rambling and mediocre, something I do not think this poem of your's deserves.

I shall have to delve into the rest of your work now. If it is as good as this, it'll be well worth the effort.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Shyanne18

Tue, 2013-10-08 00:41

Shyanne18's picture

Thank you. I agree with your syllable suggestion. I think the poem would move better. Thank you again for taking the time to read my work. Every time someone tells me my work is good I think they are just being genres. You may have changed my mind on that. I am 18 as my name says. At my young age my mother says I have done well as a poet. I have had two poems published. This very afternoon I found a letter from a publishing company wanting a 26 line poem from me to put in their book. I am very excited.

The Unknown Poet

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Race_9togo

Tue, 2013-10-08 19:08

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You know, I've been a member of Neopoet since the start of the new site, and beyond, before the Great Crash...heehee. And I still have those moments when readers tell me how good a piece of my work is and I think "Seriously?"
I'm still chuckling.

Being published is a good thing, especially considering your age. Its always exciting, when someone wants what you create, isn't it? Keep that side of what you're doing going as strong as you can!

Keep writing,

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

alidzain

Sat, 2014-08-02 22:40

alidzain's picture

I am not a Christian, but I will say this. I hope that God will offer you strength to face this life's trials. You have a talent that surpassed many of your age. Keep your dreams and your faith alive. There will be times you will be tested but never give up. Even I can't write as you do. That's how much I envy you. Don't let anyone take them away.
Take care, my friend.

Yours sincerely
Alid

Shyanne18

Wed, 2014-08-06 13:39

Shyanne18's picture

I always come back. Poetry helps me to let go of my pain and grief. I will always write for tomorrow.

The Unknown Poet

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