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My Whore is Better

Submitted by eightmenout on Mon, 2014-07-28 12:07

my whore is better than your whore
just ask as many men as you can see
my whore was their whore long before
my little whore was just my whore and me

I knew it the first time we met
my whore was, simply put, the very best
the way she moved, the way she dressed
without a doubt a slut above the rest

so I put my whore on parade
got her all dolled up for the party scene
and reveled in my dance with fame
me a walking arm in arm with my queen

should you still need to be convinced
well, just allow my whore another chance
because my whore will fuck your whore
and leave you with just your hand on your lance

we would shake that trailer night after night
'fore she would move on to the next big "thing"
still, I had me one helluva good time
although she did leave me with quite a little sting

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Barbara Writes

Mon, 2014-07-28 14:13

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All I can say is what!!! Lol

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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eightmenout

Tue, 2014-08-05 07:11

Thanks for taking the time to stop by and comment. I hope you got a kick it of it. Appreciate the comment about it being well written.

Scott

Scott

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scribbler

Mon, 2014-07-28 17:33

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Got a few ideas but not enough time lol. I'll return............stan

themoonman

Tue, 2014-07-29 05:58

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I've met some good uns ...

thanks for the laugh this morning,

Richard

eightmenout

Tue, 2014-08-05 07:12

You are most welcome, sir. Thanks for stopping by.

Scott

Scott

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Ian.T

Wed, 2014-07-30 18:44

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Damn it man you are asking a lot if we disagree with you, then you will want a list of names and places so I will jut agree with you LOL, good cheeky write.
By the way how much would you bet on this point you so well wrote about,
Yours, Sparrow

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

eightmenout

Tue, 2014-08-05 07:15

For the compliment and the banter. I wouldn't ask for names. The poem was actually intended to open some eyes to the fact that she wasn't that bad and to bring a little levity to it.

Scott

Scott

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scribbler

Wed, 2014-07-30 23:04

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stanza 1 line 3 mine was their whore long before
S-3, l-1 so I put her on parade
These suggestions are made to decrease the use of the word "whore". If used too much it loses impact.
Hope your "sting" didn't affect your stinger permanently lol............stan

Barbara Writes

Wed, 2014-07-30 23:25

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Lol

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

eightmenout

Tue, 2014-08-05 07:22

Thanks for the suggestions. S1 l3 would mess with the meter. I know you want to take the word whore out, but it is in there so many times for a reason, several actually.

I wrote the original poem when I was on another site (learned how to make it better here). Got tired of reading about break ups and how horrible they were. What made their cheating whore any different than the ones the rest of us encountered. So I put the word whore in there often to trivialize it. I also used it a lot to help create a "sing song"effect.

Thanks

Scott

Scott

author comment

eightmenout

Tue, 2014-08-05 07:24

Being a"tongue in cheek" write, my stinger was never in any real danger. Lol

Scott

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eightmenout

Sat, 2014-09-06 22:32

.that is very kind of you to say

Scott

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