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Born and Reborn

Submitted by Shamoneness on Thu, 2014-07-17 15:04

Crystalline screams
echoing out of openings
of the orifices of my skin
seeping out syrupy lies
and malignant paradoxes
frozen in the waves
of tranquil idiosyncrasies
trapped in a cage
of flesh and feverish
brain cells by degrees
developing from
waste to procreations
in the deep facets
filling spaces with
fetal thoughts and infancy
becoming ever-increasingly
born and reborn

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Arrow

Sat, 2014-07-26 23:18

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I struggle with some of the language use and think it obscures rather than illuminates your message. For example: "echoing out of openings/ of the orifices" seems unnecessarily complicated. An orifice is an opening. And I can't think of a malignant paradox. I'm not sure a paradox can be malignant. And so on. I wonder if, in terms of imagery, less might be more here.

Ian.T

Sun, 2014-07-27 03:34

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Does this mean you had a coherent thought lol,
Like the shattering of a chandelier as it cascades to the floor in bright sunlight.
Tell us more in simple terms, how you realised that your life force was real.
Now how to deal with it.
This piece is to complex where simple words would do I will ask you to write the same piece in a childlike way, as an exercise in a wider way of writing, a nursery rhyme may be a start,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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