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Denied Alchemy

Submitted by Seren on Tue, 2014-06-24 12:26

readings denied
so I scratched your name in shale
alchemy of sand

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Ian.T

Wed, 2014-06-25 12:35

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Nature grinds the shale
Your name drifts on as the dunes
Ever keeping time.

Just to continue the thread of the time that as we both know doesn't exist in Spirit, yet it is a curse to us sometimes.
Hope all is going well, know that our thoughts are with you, Yours, Ian, Anne and the children

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Seren

Fri, 2014-06-27 13:32

Seren's picture

Little pauses weep
continuing to ripple
light was in our veins

lol well I tried its after three in the morning here

with love always Jayne xxxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

Ian.T

Thu, 2014-07-10 19:09

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Out there is the egg of our being
Oval creations of time stacked
Boundaries we hold in our dreams
Think, this is yours it is indestructible
Though it will change as you need it to.
Sometimes the eternity is touched
Yet the poets don't know what they have done.

Another time and place to enjoy
let the mind take you on those journey's
but heed that you have to return to us here
time and time again,
until that moment when you are a part of creation.
Go well young Lady and let us have more of your dreams to play us symphonies, Yours as always Ian. x

PS:- Just an added word to your write:-
(A Senryu)
readings are denied
so I scratched your name in shale
alchemy of sand

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Geezer

Wed, 2014-06-25 19:51

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one of those other forms of Haiku, that doesn't require the 5-7-5 cadence?
I know there are a lot of different types of Haiku. Love and higgest bugs, ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Seren

Fri, 2014-06-27 13:28

Seren's picture

I must have been a little out of it when I wrote this one, I thought the syllable count was right but it was WAY off I have edited it and hopefully it will fit the form now ...thanks for being on the ball lol I surely wasn't

love and higgliest bugs Jayne xxxxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

Geezer

Fri, 2014-06-27 21:08

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I wrote one a while ago, that went seven-five seven! I think I will review what I was supposed to have learned about Haiku in one of the workshops I attended. LOL
Love and higgest bugs ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

scribbler

Fri, 2014-06-27 21:12

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I have been led to believe that in the original Japanese that it wasn't really syllables that were counted but, rather, some other voice unit. And also that since English and Japanese are so different that the 5-7-5 count doesn't really translate anyway. So I expect as long as the Spirit of the form is maintained that calling any nature based 3 line poem with shortish lines could well be considered Haiku. Now I'll wait for somebody who Really knows to tell me how wrong I am lol......stan

raj

Sat, 2014-06-28 03:13

In essence I agree with your perception of Haiku.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

alidzain

Thu, 2014-07-10 18:55

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If you are following the haiku format, I believe I counted only 4 syllable in the first line.

Alid

Esker

Sat, 2014-07-19 00:58

Esker's picture

wow this is so deep...like sand crushed by pressure and age and weight
to be thrust up to the surface and remain after all the overburden and slough
is eroded away by time..elements...wind..water..fire..boredom.
yah element of boredom...but then i read this and woke up..

shale is sand..hard sand..
and if you write your name or wishes or desires in sand..
like hearts at the oceans edge..
love wishes..
sadness..
it gets swept up
taken by nature..spirits..

but in shale..
thats like so etching hot!

thank you!!

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