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Passing...
Eye-blink of Mother Nature
Rain came pouring down
Washing the dust from vision
The neon-splash of color
Rippled from the wind
Reflected in the window
Footprints disappear in night
Passage unremarked
Happy doorways beckon me
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
Thought I would try a little Haiku. Listening to 'Following The Guiding Bells' - 2013, on Music Choice.
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
New York State - USA
Favorite Poets
Poe, Emily Dickenson, Robert Frost, Shakespeare, and many of the poets here at Neopoet.
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Comments
lonlyhrtsclub13
Sun, 2014-06-08 21:06
I like this
This painted a really pleasant picture...happiness is just a footstep away. Have you listened to Lindsey Stirling, the dancing violinist? She is incredible..sometimes has various singers from different genres sing while she plays...You can see her.videos...may get some.inspiration from.her....
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
Geezer
Sun, 2014-06-08 22:22
Happiness is...
always just one footstep away. It just might be though, that it is one footstep away from the last thousand that you took. Yes, did go to watch those videos that she has made. She has real talent. Good for a mood elevator.
Love ya, ~ Gee
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author commentlonlyhrtsclub13
Sun, 2014-06-08 22:41
glad
You liked the videos. Thought you could draw some mood or inspiration from them. Music is always a good stimulator. Happiness, the thing we all strive for, always within reach and then we fall short....
Love ya
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
scribbler
Sun, 2014-06-08 21:47
Gee
"Happy doorways beckon me" what an incredible line! Wish I'd written it but now I can't just because it Is so damned good lol. And the rest of this ain't exactly dry beans...........stan
Geezer
Mon, 2014-06-09 22:39
I thought...
I had replied to your comment, but guess I didn't.
I was trying to give the impression of someone walking in a rainstorm
looking at the doorways along the street and wishing that he was home already.
I'm so glad that you liked that line, because I worked for that one!
Thanks, ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
author commentSeren
Mon, 2014-06-09 10:58
Dearest Gee
I felt like I was watching someone paint abstract art, beautiful I wish I could rate it
Bravo
love and higgliest bugs Jayne xxx
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Geezer
Mon, 2014-06-09 22:45
Those are...
exactly my thoughts when I read some great haiku! [ Not that I'm trying to say that mine is great ]
I'm sure that there are many really great poets in Japan that would take exception to that! However, seeing that you two have lavished such praise upon this one, I will accept really good! Thanks, for your read and comments. Hope things are going well for you, love and higgest bugs, ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
author commentBreakinglogic
Tue, 2014-06-10 06:01
Passage unremarked. My
Passage unremarked. My favorite line.
Everyone is inside during a good pour, and who's to look outside and your way when they can sit warm and dry in front of the tele? As well, the storm would wash away the traces of your passage, leaving it unremarked two-fold now.
The last line—well crafted—added some good optimism!
Enjoyed!
logic
☆ raffy
Geezer
Wed, 2014-06-11 02:16
Hey B.L....
Long time, no see. Thank you, I worked for this Haiku. It didn't just happen, like some of my work, but I felt there was something good there and wanted to see if I could make someone else feel and see what I envisioned. Music has a way of inspiring me and I could see the scene, but had to work at making it so that another person would see it too. I'm glad that I succeeded in making at least a few see it. Thanks again, ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
author commentIan.T
Wed, 2014-06-11 04:14
Gee
Not withstanding that the Japanese Haiku form is 5-7-5 syllables, this is a great write, to make it balance perfectly can I suggest:-
The neon-(splashes) of color
Rippled from the wind
Reflected in the window
This would make the whole thing a perfect 7-5-7 in all three Stanzas.
Whoops it is me in my eye balling these things, please forgive.
My best as always, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Geezer
Wed, 2014-06-11 09:57
OOps...
I guess I got it backwards. I made it seven-five seven! ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
author commentemeka ozurumba
Wed, 2014-06-11 10:12
good poem , loved the bite
good poem , loved the bite