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Submitted by elefentee on Tue, 2014-06-03 18:23

.

Mrs Duncan sits in her wheelchair
letting family and friends
press food into her hands,
and tissues to her dry eyes

a single framed photo
graces the polished sideboard.
his long, gentle face, surrounded
by cards and flowers,
smiles out at those gathered there

Mrs Duncan seems indifferent

their youngest daughter, a black beetle,
scurries between kitchen and lounge room
with plate after plate after plate
of food

activity keeps her from screaming

muffled conversations
sound around the room

in a corner, the cat on his chair
eyes the scene with lazy curiosity
and an almost desire to swipe a paw
at the next person who tries to pat him

teaspoons tinkle against china like fairy bells

the clock on the wall tick tocks away

outside, in the garden,
eight year old Pannee is twirling
catching raindrops on her tongue

.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

weirdelf

Tue, 2014-06-03 21:57

weirdelf's picture
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An elegant elegy, if I read it right.
There is a deceptive depth to this, a delicacy of feeling, fine poetry and lovely writing. I look forward to more.

Our job here is to offer constructive critique however I find myself at a loss. Sorry, will do better next time.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

elefentee

Wed, 2014-06-04 02:49

elefentee's picture

you read it right.
i appreciate genuine praise and welcome
constructive crit. thanks for the comment and welcome

cheers

author comment

Ian.T

Wed, 2014-06-04 03:46

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Firstly, Welcome to Neopoet site and I hope your walks with us here will be good for us all.
Primarily a workshop to learn poetry but we do freelance into our own worlds outside of the workshops, but you will soon see how we are..
This poem was a good start, a walk through a home of loss where others face in an instant their own worlds of acceptance of a loss.
Loved the little girl in the garden trying to catch raindrops on her tongue, it showed the innocence of an age, and the beetle girl scuttling across the rooms at an age where loss seems to need covering.
Will look forward to your future writes,
Yours Ian .T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

elefentee

Wed, 2014-06-04 19:24

elefentee's picture

thank you. i like your description of loss
seeming to need covering. it often does.

author comment

Ian.T

Thu, 2014-06-26 03:51

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Your first work has been well accepted here and was very good have you more for us to read.
Your Profile seems vague or are you waiting to see if we are a good bunch ??.
You take care out there and once again come talk to us as we journey on, it is a lovely place to meet others, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

elefentee

Sun, 2014-07-13 02:10

elefentee's picture

i never know what to write in a profile. so, i don't. until i do.

author comment

Geezer

Wed, 2014-06-04 04:14

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Welcome to Neo. I hope that you will find Neopoet as rewarding as I do.
It is a place where you will find a great many poets and as many different types
of poetry as you will find anywhere. This is a site that will challenge you
to write your best.

I have two things to ask you about.

1] Did you really mean; [ dry eyes ]? Not [ to dry her eyes ] ?
2] Was the addition of [ almost ] to give the cat, an [ almost ] human quality?
I really enjoyed this work and hope that we will see much more from you.
~ Geezer

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

elefentee

Wed, 2014-06-04 19:41

elefentee's picture

hi back, geezer. thanks for the crit.
yes, i did mean dry eyes.
"press food into her hands
and [press] tissues to her dry eyes.
no apparent signs of grief, (Mrs Duncan seems indifferent") yet people do what they think is "correct" in such situations

the "almost desire" speaks of the cat just not being arsed enough
to even "fully" desire to take a swipe (".. eyes the scene with lazy curiosity")

i like what you took from the "almost desire" line. thanks for the thoughts and welcome.

cheers

author comment

emeka ozurumba

Wed, 2014-06-04 06:16

emeka ozurumba's picture

the poem has good reflections and is easily read, good write and i hope you learn from more writers, yours truly emeka

elefentee

Wed, 2014-06-04 19:39

elefentee's picture

thanks emeka. i hope to learn, too.

cheers

author comment

Roscoe Lane

Thu, 2014-06-26 00:29

Roscoe Lane's picture

Exceptional start, look forward to reading more. A heartfelt welcome to Neopoet. Love Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

elefentee

Sun, 2014-07-13 02:06

elefentee's picture

thanks roscoe, for reading and commenting, and for the
kind welcome.

author comment

themoonman

Sat, 2014-06-28 00:51

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A quiet mouse heard (strength is indeed
a virtue) ... thanks for posting this eloquent
piece.

Welcome to Neopoet.

Richard

elefentee

Sun, 2014-07-13 02:08

elefentee's picture

thanks richard. appreciate the read and the welcome.

author comment

weirdelf

Sun, 2014-08-17 04:19

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They empower through succinctity and improved word choice.
As young surfers, seeing a perfect wave, we would say "not a drop of water out of place".
Not a word out of place here.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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