Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

I Love You, Mother

A crown of stars,
A gown of silken glory
will never suffice
to show what you mean to me

No man can understand
the stress of child-bearing
as one grows in your womb
through nine months of aching

No man can know the pain
of woman in labour,
risking her precious life,
giving birth to another

If I lose a good friend,
I can find another
but none can replace you,
Not now, not ever

That is why, Dear Mother
I will always love you
now and forever
this will always be

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

not at all greeting card material.. which from me is a compliment. I look forward to reading more of your work.

In ink,
David

Thanks for the visit and the comment. I've got to warn you about my works, though. LOL. They are still very much amateur work due to my limitations in the language. Most of the time, I write in Malay.

Alid

author comment

Loved this write it was sincere and from the heart..
The part that I think you should modify is:-

even if your mind fails
and you forget my name

I think that we know how much we all love our Mothers, I just found that to even think of a mind failing, though true, is a thing we do not dwell on, so I would love to see it changed to some thing else such as:-
I know that you cannot see me clearly,
or recall some of the things of me.

I love you, Mother, now and forever.
This will always be.

Today is the Anniversary of the passing of my Mother, and the funeral of my brother, the next three weeks there are two anniversaries on 9th-12th and 19th.
Some times these things are hard, but the more I spoke to the children the easier all things became..
Take care out there, and always know someone cares.
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I did some edit. What do you think?

Alid

author comment

your mother's mind failing and forgetting your name? I have, and no, I didn't stop loving her but the pain, the pain compares to nothing else in my life ever. I've seen that pain in the face of a friend experiencing the same thing. It is not to be treated with in one verse of a poem that, frankly, I think does not rise above greeting card level.

That harsh comment is not based on any failure of you as a poet or your use of the language but does carry a dire warning. If you write a poem for Mother's Day, or Valentines Day you have to be very, very good to avoid the pitfalls of cliche and sentimentality. My advice would be to write directly and specifically from personal experience and not try to be a poet laureate until you have earned the honour.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

i'm not trying to disrespect you. I've seen people in their old age with Alzheimer and I could see that is painful for their loved ones. I am not trying to discredit their pain with the verse and I am not saying it will be easy if it happens to me. this verse is a promise to my mum. i know some people who sent their mothers to the old folk's homes and seldom come for a visit. I can never do that. I won't wait for her to flesh to turn cold with death to kiss her and tell her how much I do love her. that's me.

That said, I respect you and will try to see how i can change that verse which you are uncomfortable with. i never write to hurt people's feelings, Jess.. Not now, not ever.I'll try to take your advice too but please understand that it will take time for me to change.

Alid

author comment

It is not about that particular verse. Reflect instead on the poetic advice- I think the poem does not rise above greeting card level.

That harsh comment is not based on any failure of you as a poet or your use of the language but does carry a dire warning. If you write a poem for Mother's Day, or Valentines Day you have to be very, very good to avoid the pitfalls of cliche and sentimentality. My advice would be to write directly and specifically from personal experience and not try to be a poet laureate until you have earned the honour.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.