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HOW THE RAIN FALLS imagery shop poem (co-written with alidzain)
Racing home to beat the storm
from another sylvan scout
I'm headed where it's dry and warm
a refuge from tempests about.
Alas the rains catch up with me
and overwhelm the wiper blades.
The deluge makes it hard to see
as water pelts adjacent glades.
Lightning strobes its actinic way,
shaking my bones with its deep thunder
while gusts of wind make large trees sway.
I seek a shelter to park under.
I think I see an overpass
through the rain now mixed with hail.
I make there ere hail breaks the glass
as the storm winds howl and wail.
I pull off onto the paved shoulder
then sit and watch the squall's tantrum
as lightning and the storm grow bolder
hoping soon it lets up some.
Until at last the tempest eases.
Wind sets a bit as rain decreases
and hail stones melt in warming breezes.
Blue skies peek through cloudy creases.
Then just before I start my truck,
where overpass and the ground meet
where a large cardboard box was stuck,
out of it an old man gains his feet.
The ragged man exits his home.
His dim eyes pass right over me.
At least my truck is warm and dry
a snug delightful place to be.
I thank the lord then for my home,
hot coffee a few miles from here,
then wonder of the other's tome..
Rain falls but never equally.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Last stanza rhyme pattern is intentionally uneven. I leave it to ya'll to figure out why lol.
Editing stage:
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Comments
raj
Fri, 2014-04-25 13:20
Hi Alid & Stan
Thank you for the free ride in your truck as you brave the hail and rain. It created for me vivid images. A few suggestions since it is still in draft stage:-
1. In L1 S3 try to eliminate "And" which I feel is not a good way to start a new stanza
2. In L 2 & 3 of S7 word "where" is repeating at the start of each of those lines
3. the stanza where "a large cardboard box was stuck" and onwards somehow affects the flow and story, at least for me. Wait for others to step in
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
scribbler
Fri, 2014-04-25 13:54
Hi Raj
Thank you for voicing your concerns. The stanza where the cardboard box is first mentioned is Meant to cause a change and the rest of the poem hopefully reflects the protagonist's change in how he thinks about rain storms. I'll let some more commentary accumulate before doing any editing...............stan
author commentraj
Fri, 2014-04-25 14:34
Stan
Of course it is a beautiful poem as I have elaborated in my comment before. Just thought that it could be even more vivid from stanza where the cardboard box arrives.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Eduardo Cruz
Fri, 2014-04-25 16:21
Lost
I am a little taken aback, that the rhyming was off in one stanza, so I am not sure if this has it's purpose here in this workshop if you are only concentrating on imagery.
this stanza had a couple of things that to my unprofessional eye seem off;
"I thank the lord for then for my home- why the two "for"
awaiting a few miles from here
and stretch thinking of hot coffee.
Rain falls but never equally."
The rhyming in this stanzas is off, it just seem un-Stan like two me.
it just seem as the concentration of the protagonist veers some where else so does the rhyming, because the protagonist in is mind has already reached that special place of comfort. but physically not there yet.
Just how I see it.
I am far from an expert, at less a 100 times removed...
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
scribbler
Sun, 2014-05-04 00:56
Hi Eddie
alid and I meant for there to be a bit of a break in mood with the appearance of the ragged man. Perhaps the break , though intended, was a bit Too abrupt. Hopefully we'll get it smoothed out a bit in edit.........stan
author commentIan.T
Fri, 2014-04-25 18:53
Both Of You
A good write and I hope you got home safe. lol
The last Stanza needs some surgery, the plot seemed to stutter a little here.
Otherwise a good joint piece to read,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Barbara Writes
Sat, 2014-04-26 22:28
Sorry I missed this workshop
I could learn a thing or two about imagery
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
Rula
Sun, 2014-05-04 00:29
wonderful!
Liked the story line and the details... How did the collaborative work go? Did it take much time? And what was the hardest part? Sorry if I am asking too much ,but really liked this piece. I feel really envious. :)
Good job.
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scribbler
Sun, 2014-05-04 00:53
Hi
It Did take a bit of time and not only due to time differences. We each have different types styles and different ideas about a poem describing thunder storms. It was alid whose idea of showing the effect of an "ordinary" thunder storm on the poor and/or homeless. The hardest part was melding both the differing ideas and styles so that it wouldn't be too apparent that two different writers collaborated. I will do one more edit on this in next day or so then post the final version if alid approves..............stan
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